Beats, Rhymes, and Waffles

"Sasha Fierce. Watch Paris is Burning and ask yourself, 'am I Paris is Burning?'"

2008-12-31T21:15:00.000-08:00

It's the end of the year again. What the fuck? Where has all the time gone? I need to write more, my output is pathetic.

New Beyonce album has been out for what, couple months? I love it. Sasha Fierce. It's like Grace Jones, but with bigger testes. And the new metal armware she's been sporting, that shit's gonna be a hit. Available soon at a Wet Seal near you. Go cop that shit.

Beyonce fans once signed an online petition to have her video for "Deja Vu" banned, protesting its "poor editing" and "unacceptable interactions [between Beyonce and Jay-z]" Where are those fans to protest the unacceptable interactions between Beyonce and a microphone? Get your independent ass out of here. Question?

Heard something about some high profile guys getting "Bro-zilians," as in Brazilians for men. Don't want to call anybody out; let's just say two guys whose names rhyme with Tuffy and Gay-z may be involved. Now, there's nothing wrong with cleaning up in the crotchal region. But if their Brazilian is the type I prefer on women, and I'm not talking hairless, then I'm willing to bet that they can only rip silent farts. Grooming your manginas to be more attractive, he-bitches? Beyonce is Sasha Fierce and Jay-z's doing the tuck. Black people, this is your "first couple of hip hop."

T-pain has laid claim to vocoder music and everybody seems to be okay with it. He even has the audacity to ask that other artists pay him royalties for using the style. Don't fucking kid yourself, son. Let me remind you of this little song called "Believe" by Cher, easily the biggest vocoder (vocoder/autotune, all the same to me) hit of all time. Yup, you're biting the style of an icon of gay men everywhere. Certainly appropriate since hip hop vocoder music should really be genred as black emo. Lil Wayne, you may sag your jeans, but they're still the same girly jeans rocked by pete wentz and the jonas brothers. Go ahead, blame it on the promethazine.

Lost is coming back on the air soon. Too bad what once was a promising show has degenerated into high budget shit-in-a-can. I'd like to believe that the writers actually had a full story in mind when they started, but now they're just making things up on the fly. I'm absolutely certain it will end as one big disappointment. Still, I'll watch it and I'll curse.

Eva Mendes and Rosario Dawson, how are these chicks getting starring roles in studio films? When was the last time you saw either one in a movie and thought to yourself, "God damn, this bitch can act?" C'mon, 2 Fast 2 Furious? Men in Black 2? Maybe if it were a dick-sucking contest. Marisa Tomei is sitting at home somewhere with her Oscar saying, "Eva Mendes, what the fuck?!"

Why have we been playing games with these Somalian pirates? They're nothing more than poorly-trained, poorly-equipped terrorists who need to be shown that the last thing they should be doing is fucking with people's money. You fuck with my money, you're fucking with my emotions, man. They've got to be taught what's what, a la the Israelis in Gaza. You think being poor gives you carte blanche to act stupidly. When you go home and find a big ass crater where you expect your house and family to be, don't say you didn't see it coming. If those fools on Whale Wars want a real challenge, maybe they can park their asses off the Somali coast and fight some pirates. How 'bout it, toughguys?

Where the fuck did all the "We are the World," Comic Relief, Live Aid, etc. money go? Last I checked, most of Africa's still fucked up. We're writing blank checks and handing them over without accountability simply for the sake of feeling better about ourselves. Celebrity advocates are fucking idiots. They don't give a shit about Africa. Go live your ass in Africa, then come talk to me. Not as fashionable or attention-getting as adopting an African or hosting a charity event, so what's the point in that?

Obama has no chance. McCain wouldn't have had one either. The only people who can save America is Americans. Too bad we're caught up in worthless conflicts about abortion, gay marriage, etc. Keep spending hundreds of millions of dollars to get out your worthless point of view, meanwhile kids are still out there starving. Yup, pretty sappy. Yup, pretty damn true.

If you haven't been watching Top Gear for the past eleven seasons, you've been missing out on one of the best shows on television. I suggest you download it or watch it on BBC America.

Trends to watch for in Spring '09 include exotic prints, insect designs, and tribal necklaces. I also hear that ugly remains in fashion, so, Spencer, Heidi, and Chelsea Clinton, guess you're safe for another season. Also, big dicks are still in, meaning I'm safe for another season as well.

Spun the dreidle again this year. Here's a permed-out classic for Jesus lovers.

Ran into Jamie Lynn Sigler one weekend in the meatpacking district. Not a bad looking chick. Meadow Soprano, how far you've fallen. Fucking Turtle on screen and in real life. That's some sad shit.

And in honor of the San Diego Superchargers, the only team representing Cali in the playoffs this year:

Sorry, Jay, even Reasonable Doubt can't make me forgive your fondness for acting like a "kid from the Philipines."

There's nothing he heard somewhere else that he's trying to replicate. Instead, it's "I just dreamt up the way this shit should sound."

2008-09-23T07:01:00.000-07:00

The bump. The Obamas do it in public. Junior Bush has tried it. Shit, even GHW Bush does it (granted, he uses it in the right circumstances). It’s been written about in such controversial liberal media outlets as Reader’s Digest and Parade magazine. And if you’re not a professional entertainer (ie. athlete, musician, sock puppeteer, etc.), you should just stay the hell away from it. Everybody who regards this as an appropriate greeting or celebratory gesture needs to give it up. You’re embarrassing yourself and your families and, if you happen to be president or running for president, you’re embarrassing your country. It’s disgusting. Even old Southern grandmas are talking shit about you for doing it. SAD.

The guys at Ferrari are whores. Who makes station wagons?

Here’s a typical picture of REI KAWAKUBO who started Commes de Garcon (this is from the CDG x LV collaboration launch). You’ll never find a photo of her where she isn’t giving this joyless, semi-pissed look. Because life is so damn hard when people pay you outrageous sums of money to do something that you love. Please, somebody save her from this miserable existence. Obviously, “molester” uncle didn’t come over enough to make her learn to appreciate things.

Lil Wayne's asshole is blowing up. Baby's got Mon-Thurs. T-pain covers the weekends.

The blokes at Maxim must’ve been smoking the crack-laden horseshit again when they came up with this year’s Hot 100 list. Really, does anybody read Maxim? Its relevance was lost a long time ago, as was the Source’s. Still, sometimes you happen upon some eye candy while flipping through the channels. This time it happened to be the Maxim hot 100 countdown. While there are a few passable choices, they’re unable to make up for all those selections who clearly were repeatedly beaten with the ugly stick. America Ferrera? She wouldn’t get two looks at the swap meet. The Hills’ chicks, fronted by the poster child for ugly, Heidi? Sure, you’re guaranteed head on the first date, but there’s another list for that. Ashley Olson? Jennifer Love Hewitt at #20?! Are you still beating off to those VHS-taped Party of Five re-runs?

When John McCain dies from melanoma, we’ll be living in Bobby’s world full-time. With Bobby’s mom as president, Uncle Ted will be sent to reform Capitol Hill by threatening them all with noogies.

I don't endorse Barack Obama. And I'd probably check off strawberry over chocolate milkshake. Don't take that as a thumbs up for grandpa either. Here's why in spite of the fist bump, Obama is truly a pimp and not just another "thing that white people like." And here's the background on the conversation.

What happened to Maya? She wears a size fo-our.

Mya Feat Silkk The Shocker Movin On Music via Noolmusic.com

Black '80s Night! One Night Only!

2008-05-19T17:35:00.000-07:00

Damn it's been a long time. Let me apologize ahead of time for the old shit that I'm going to speak on in this post.

Barack Obama is going to win the Democratic nomination. He's going to be Prez-o-dent. But actually, he's not, since McCain will win.

Read this article the other day about how the recession will be the end of the asshole i-banker, richard meier buildings, etc. It's clear that the author is not in touch with reality. In the real world, the rich keep getting richer, the poor remain stagnant, and the middle class gets fucked up the ass. Luckily, KY is sponsoring.

There's a new movie trailer where someone knocks on the door, the girl asks, "who is it?" and the answer is "you're going to die." Naturally, chaos ensues. Made me think of all those ethnic comedians (and by ethnic, I'm referring to Black and Hispanic as they're the only one's who do comedy) who do these bits where they talk about how members of their race would never get caught in horror movie situations the way White movie characters do. I guess I can maybe skeptically agree with their arguments. But the people who I'm certain would never be a victim of a horror movie scenario are fanatic jihadists. Psycho killer comes knocking at the door and next thing they know, they're dead. If they're lucky, it was an explosion. If they're not, then they've just been beheaded. Would a horror movie be marketable in Iraq? A lone Arab couple goes camping in the desert. Psycho killers and ghouls are staying the fuck away. Wouldn't want to be a Shiite psycho being caught in the wrong Suni area at the wrong time.

PETA protested at the Preakness. Maybe if they were actually the compassionate activists that they claim to be, they'd protest the Burmese junta. Too bad they're worthless cowards like those people at Greenpeace. But who wouldn't argue that human lives are nowhere near as important or cuddly as horses and seals?

This is way late, but for a while I'd been running into females on the street and in the workplace wearing bermuda short suits paired with boots. What the fuck were they thinking? Who approved this vomit-inducing outfit? I'm saddened that I can't erase what my eyes have seen.

Picture that with knee high boots. Ugh.

Black people, welcome to your '80s synth pop dance party.

Usher - Love In This Club feat. Young Jeezy

some nasty skank is going to front me...

2008-02-26T16:13:00.000-08:00

Marc Jacobs is PIMP. I love the authenticity of the party. Hookahs. Hispanic waiters in red fezes pretending to be Arabs. The mandatory large colorful comforter in a plastic travel bag.

College basketball sucks balls this season. None of the teams are up to par. People are so desparate for some semblance of a great team that Memphis vs Tennessee was the game of the year. No Anfernee. No Allan Houston. Not even Dajuan Wagner. Then, Tennessee goes out and gets beat by Vanderbilt. Gloria? The best player's on a team that just lost 3 straight. Puts up some great numbers, but probably won't be shit as a pro. Great players win. Doesn't matter where they're playing. See Carmelo Anthony for reference.

I just realized that Tyler Hansborough is Mark Madsen. And Madsen was better. Have you ever seen a guy get rejected so much in your life? The kid has ZERO athleticism. He does the crazed big white guy move, going to the hole with arms raised, basketball out-in-front. Rejected everytime, bailed out by the refs half the time. These aren't "I got a piece of it" blocks either. It's full palms on the ball. Even the opposing point guard gets in on it. A block buffet if you will. Wait 'til he goes to the NBA and does nothing.

In contrast to college hoops, the NBA is fucking ridiculous this year. The West is stacked and the East is on vacation as usual. And everyone is so excited. Watch any commentary or read any article; the NBA is so exciting. Fuck, it's such a consensus on the excitement. Just like how everyone agrees that Colin Powell speaks so well. And you know what's especially exciting? The next generation of stars are all clean cut non-fuckups. I'm so excited I just shit myself thinking about it. In fact, I even soil my drawers when the thought comes up in my dreams. So excited. It's fantastic. Better bring John Tesh back, 'cause we're excited. I can't contain myself. I need to go out into the streets and draw some chalk rainbows. EX-CITE-MENT!

I long for the good old days when a Turtle-look-a-like could get knocked the fuck out by Jermaine O'neal at the Palace.

White people like Mos Def. So do Asians. And definitely Black people.

"This is pro ball, and we letting you know y'all"

Something Haute For Your Asses

2008-01-13T14:48:00.000-08:00

I'm shocked by the willingness of diners to pay premium prices for dressed-up comfort food. Throw out the slick interiors, the fancy dishware, and the designer uniforms and the food is no better than the corner greasy spoon or mom's home cooking. $15 ramen? Are you for real, son? And am I supposed to be impressed by a menu that lists off ingredients, ingredient suppliers, obscure techniques, etc? There was a time when haute interpretations of mac n' cheese were campy cool. Now, it's just a tired idea that shows up at F-list celebrity wedding receptions and bar mitzvahs in the valley. As consumers, we should demand more than just re-incarnations of the same old money shot.

$100M. That's clearly the threshold amount needed to guarantee you'll stay rich no matter what the fuck you do. Somehow, Britney Spears is worth roughly $100M and the money machine just keeps churning in spite of her best attempts to sabotage herself. Hammer should've tried harder to reach the magic number. Unfortunately, he blew all his money employing all of black Oakland. If he'd been a star today, he could've run for president. Should've blown it all on PCP instead.

People have to quit describing shit as being "fierce." Only two things in this world are fierce, wild carnivorous animals and my dick in your ass. Additionally, we've got to outlaw euphemisms for vagina. Speak like adults and not like 5-year-olds, bitches. There are only two acceptable alternatives for vagina: cunt and pussy (aka pootang). And, maybe I'll accept hoo-ha if you insist upon it.

Did you catch what people wore at the grammy's? Metrosexual rap is in full effect. Here's a few that rep the genre.

KIA SHINE

Wow, to be a metro black rapper.

LUPE FIASCO

TABI BONNEY

Peep the pink pants and pink moped.

PHARRELL/KANYE WEST

Did I remember to make an appointment for my waxing, mani- and pedi-?

It's perplexing how people eat up Wyclef Jean's rehashed beats and lyrics from recent hits. Saw him on tv the other day talking 'bout "hips don't lie" and how he came up with the track, acting like Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz hadn't used those same horns a few years ago. And this new song that uses the hook from C.R.E.A.M. It's true, you can sell anything to pop music audiences.

Don't download pictures of the Hong Kong sex scandal unless you're nostalgic for '80s porn. Head shots and jungle bush. What's with the stuffed animals? Are we in junior high? At least it's confirmed; Chinese starlets suck balls. [INSERT LOUD EMPHATIC APPLAUSE HERE]

Holiday Picture Whoredom

2007-12-27T08:18:00.000-08:00

How do you like them apples with your DREIDEL, Grant Hill?

And, of course, the video. Do you remember this happening at UCLA?

And the classic.

Why are the Suns such willing participants? What are you doing, Steve, grabbing for some nuts to go with your DREIDEL?

If you listen to the initial cheering, the Phoenix fans are obviously on some Kobe nuts.

And one of my favorite pictures of all time. David Stern did a brilliant makeover with the MVP hardware.

Yeah Yeah... I Might Get Stabbed

2007-12-22T09:24:00.000-08:00

I've gone black. And as the saying goes, "Once you go black, you might get stabbed." I'll take my chances. The white was boring me and playing basketball wasn't providing much relief. These templates are pretty pathetic. Every offering that I've seen on the internet has been based on something sentimentally hideous, such as kittens, celebrities or hot dog sandwiches. Of course, posting one's thoughts online isn't exactly art. And I'm no artist.

It's Christmas week. My dradel broke. So, I wrapped it up and stuck it under someone else's tree. I'm full of Christ love. I know what I want for the big 2-5 this year. Knowledge. I need more and it seems that I'm always behind. Damn the burden of being a human being.

I usually don't speak on politics, but the "Fair Tax" proposal is one of the craziest ideas i've ever seen on any legitimate presidential candidate's platform. I know I'd be embarrassed to back something that has an even smaller chance of happening than a black or woman president, neither of which will be happening anytime soon. I'm not saying I wouldn't want any of these things to happen. I just know they won't.

Now, for more clips. I don't find YouTube entertaining, but I appreciate that they host clips of what I'm looking for.

Not subtle. Not particularly original. Funny, nonetheless.

Best line:
"My place is usually tidier than this."

Sorry for the pixelation, but peep the leg kicks, fat chicks, and BOUNCE!

Yes, more fat people. Stab them all and that's a tanker full of gravy.

You little shits, I got money stacks bigger than you. But you can't hate on the beats. Like with Quiet Storm. Funny thing is, they were much more compelling at 19 than they've ever been since. And for those who've only been exposed to rap music through Eminem and 8 Mile, get your learn in. Watch it again if you missed it, whiteboy makes sure he gets a shout out in: "Cuz ain't no such thing as halfway crooks..."

Young Halle Told Me To Make Her Feel Good... So, I Gave Her The Monster Balls

2007-12-01T10:23:00.000-08:00

I missed the whole month of November. Thirty days. No posts. Guess I better get on it.

At work once again. Wasting time once again. Recurring theme.

Yes, it's been said before, but that 50 Cent is so well-spoken. He's the ghetto Colin Powell. Sure, he gives you nothing but formulaic bubble gum hip hop, but who wouldn't dumb it down for the audience if it gets you paid? Watch any interview or special, it's obvious that this is a thoughtful man. Makes you wonder why he insists on beefing with everyone. Must be a marketing tactic.

I'm tired of pregnant women getting undressed and having their picture taken. And it's not as if it were ever a fresh idea. Plus, if you're going to make a big deal about a pregnant celebrity posing in the NUDE, then she better be giving me more poses than the usual titty holding/crotch covering. Drop down and get your eagle on, girl.

December 1st. I'm counting down to spinning the dradle.

Who You Fucking, O.J.?

2007-10-26T05:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe the prolific talk was a bit premature. I'm trying my best to re-arrange the fifty words and provide readers with "new" content.

I was sitting at the terminal in LaGuardia on Sunday, forced to listen to one of those ubiquitous airport flatscreens that continously run CNN Headline news. What's breaking news at 8 am EST? Dumbledore is Gay. And even more compelling news, the majority of people who answered the "are you surprised" poll voted for no, something like 56% to 44%. I've never read any of the books, only caught the movies, so maybe they're filled with double-entendres that give you insight about Dumbledore getting sucked-off on the side. Guess I probably should have saw it coming, what with the velour robes and the transforming into a phoenix; he was clearly shouting flamer. Luckily, Rowling didn't simply drop the news without going into more details. Apparently, the man had sexual tension with another wizard. Got me thinking, there's an exact parallel in real life: professional sports. You don't want to picture two wizards giving each other the Brokeback reach around just like you don't want to visualize two O-line guys going backdoor with Sade's "Ordinary Love" bumping in the background. But it happens/-ed and we need to talk about it. You can e-mail Rowling for her Harry Potter series XXX author's cut edition at harrypotteralternafuck@nodogfighting.com.

But we've got to move on from this old news.

James Lipton was once a French pimp. No bullshit. He's got that quiet, deliberate speech, but his backhand is a mother... He quit 'cause he got tired of dealing with all that pubic hair. Thank God for the Brazilian.

Props to Bobby Jindal for infiltrating the white man's world. Katrina was a bitch, but for an Indian guy to get the Southerner's vote is pretty incredible. Of course, I know nothing of the details of the race, so, it could've been a fluke. But I'll give the man and his handlers their due. He should be aware that if he fucks it up, no Asian person will ever be elected for anything ever again.

I like the look of Common's new video. It's got that dreamy cinematography, muted colors, and everybody's styling. A far cry from the endless stream of grimy ghetto-ass hip hop videos that we're constantly bombarded with. Yeah, the content is nothing to rave about and Kerry Washington isn't Halle Berry, but you'd hit that for a dollar.

While I do like watching dubbed-out Cutlasses and trucks with thick women in stripper gear hanging out the windows weaving down a random street in the hood, it's definitely a tired formula. And enough with the dance song videos. Its not gangsta to model yourself after the "Cha Cha Slide." Come on homey, peep the Roots' "What they Do" video. Yes, it's definitely more applicable to East Coast than dirty South, but sooner or later, you're just parodying yourself.

One day, the video links will no longer be supported and my posts will look like shit with error messages strewn about. But sometimes, I've got to show people what I'm talking about. Plus, I promise I'll never post anything that's not worth watching.

And for DJ Khaled, Jermaine Dupri, Lil John, and Puffy:

Y'all know what this is. I'm the best. Eh-eh, eh-eh. Okay. Listen.

You can call me the ad lib monster.

'Til next time... Go fuck yourself, San Diego wildfires.

Call Me Mr. Prolific

2007-10-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

That's two days in-a-row of writing. Could there be some direct correlation with my being at work for two days in-a-row? No way.

It's Sunday morning, how about some sports? Cal. What the fuck? Homeboy's been playing too much Madden, started to believe that he could turn the corner like Vince Young. Alas, just another slow white guy. He definitely went home and cried himself to sleep last night. Fans spit on him, teammates had to be restrained from him, his girl dumped him and told him she'd been fucking his best friend... that's life. Lessons to be learned from this: #1 Don't think that your Madden glory translates to shit in real life. #2 Don't model yourself after loser athletes who cry after every disappointment. To take a line from Gordon Ramsay, "Grow some fucking bollocks." What, do you need mommy to offer up a tit for you to suck on?

On a random note, I love the Brits on TV. They're really some of the smoothest motherfuckers you'll see. Talk shit about you in your interview and do it with a smile. Make you start believing the shit they're saying about you. Check this clip out where they interview Nigo from BAPE. Two words, "lonely otaku." The pantomime is gangster.

Re-release Party

2007-10-13T14:05:00.000-07:00

I started this thing, was going to tell people about it, and start writing. But instead, nothing.

Here it is, the re-release of the original non-release. I'm repackaging it with a new cover and a hot new intro so that the zero who copped the first edition will be forced to give in to this one as well.

Why do this? 'Cause I'm attention-starved and need to make sure that my words are available to be in everyone's face at all times. Is that the truth? No. I'm at work. I'm making sure that my salary dollars go towards nothing productive.

I can't promise anything that hasn't been done before. In fact, I can guarantee that most of what shows up here will not be eloquent, will be redundant, and will not be relevant to my life or pretty much anyone else's. In case you were wondering, I do read other people's sites. And I will shamelessly steal their ideas and post them up here. I'm like the Japanese. I'll probably do your shit better than you.

Konichiwa, Bitches.

2007-04-25T22:23:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging. Updates will happen often, occasionally, or not-at-all. Is the world ready for the verbal onslaught that is my 50-word vocabulary?