Beats, Rhymes, and Waffles

Professionals use hickory. Amateurs use mesquite.

2012-01-04T12:21:00.000-08:00

Got the itch. Really don't want to, but I got to get back on here and write some shit.

2011 can be summed up in one song, the Britney Spears stuttering fan song. Lately, I'd seen her name on the "Who had the best year?" lists and couldn't figure out what she'd done as of late that would qualify her. You want a piece of me? Then, I remembered that the fan song was everywhere. So darn catchy. Although, probably the most memorable piece of music I heard all year was the Houston Astros in a PSA at their ballpark, autotuned to perfection using the track from bedroom intruder, reminding fans to be on their best behavior. Shit, put me on autotunes, guaranteed double platinum.

Jay-Z and Kanye West were supposed to come into town. Then, they flaked. It was funny 'cause local radio station was giving away tickets. People were excited. Concert got canceled. Promotions on the station stopped abruptly, like that minute. And it wasn't so much that they stopped promotions, since why would you continue to run promotions on something that's been canceled. It's that things were shutdown so quickly and thoroughly, you'd swear that shit was just rumor. Life is cold. But I respect the swagger. "What's fifty grand to a motherfucker like me? Can y'all remind me?" That's exacly right. It ain't shit. Which brings me to all those motherfuckers who clearly have Jay-Z mentality but have to front like they humble. You know. Jennifer Lopez. Justin Beiber. Stop it with the twitter messages and the red carpet answers about how you feel so blessed. We don't believe you, you need more people.

Jennifer Lopez. So easy to hate. You're fucking rolling around on a mock-uptown NYC Hollywood backlot in a Fiat500 with one of your songs playing in the background, still singing off key. Shit, how long are you going to keep playing the "I'm real" card. Rick Ross keeps playing the "I'm hustlin'" card, but he's really got nothing else going for him and, he'll likely die within the year. You want to show me some realness, go bark at a board meeting. Have one of your people shank Marc Anthony onstage at an awards show. You want real, motherfucker? That's right!

How old is Katy Perry? Does she have any life experience outside of high school? Or for that matter, outside of the summer after senior year? I give her props for parlaying that into straight cash.

Wiz Khalifa is the new Snoop. That's not what I'm saying, that's what people who write in magazines is saying. Maybe that's what Snoop is saying. I say, go listen to the Chronic. Go listen to Doggystyle. Then remind me what the fuck they saying. Is it taylored, Wiz? Wiz, is it taylored? Tell me again, Wiz, is it taylored? Keep rapping about weed with that five word vocabulary. I foresee longevity in your future. Better hope Amber Rose can keep paying the bills with her modeling work.

Common beefing with Drake over lyrics about Serena Williams? Seriously? No, seriously?

If you ain't been reading the Ghostface Chronicles, you better get on it. Even if it's an impostor, shit's genius. Here's a little example from the Watch the Throne review:

I guess you have to give everyone their little victories or they really have no reason to live. Like people who line up in front of the Apple store for new launches. They, too, need their "nigga, you ain't up on this" moment. Until a day or two later when everyone's copped that shit. Got to keep yourself feeling special though.

Remember a couple years back when Betty White's career made a resurgence after she played a not-dead grandma in that Sandra Bullock movie? I never got that. When are we going to stop crediting old people simply for not being old? Spry old folks. I applaud them, but they're nothing special. The Chapelle show skit where Dave was living with his grandma and she had a friend over who told him to pick up some rubbers (grandma:"the big ones"), yea, that's the real grandma. Not the sanitized grandma everyone pictures in their censored minds.

And cussing toddlers (see will ferrell funny or die landlady sketch for reference). Wow, you taught your kid to cuss. That's so cute. Why don't you go back to your line at the Apple store?

They canceled How To Make It In America. Can't blame them. Season 2 was horrible. Someone told them that they needed more titty on the show and they rolled with it. Lake Bell's body is sick, but bring back season 1. Wasted potential.

Since this post is laden with randomness, let's lead out with some Randolph Childress,

Lara Stone,

and bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce...

Soccer Fans are Ass Clowns

2010-06-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

World Cup 2010 version. Watched the much hyped US vs England game the other day, then, watched part of the Germany vs Australia game the next day. Early verdict: Americans and English looked like a bunch a 4-year-olds in leg braces who ride the little bus running around in the park chasing after butterflies. Germans looked like the real deal. Australians looked like they were thinking about Miranda Kerr, running around awkwardly trying to conceal their erections (quick, think about Heath Ledger. Oh no, it's not working).

What I did appreciate was how the (I assume) British announcer on ABC pulled no punches in ridiculing the English goalie for the dropped save. He went so far as to say that such a play would even be considered below the level of a schoolboy. He refused to make any concessions to the American announcer who was insisting that somehow there might have been even the smallest bit of American skill involved. It was neither politically correct nor was it gracious. It was wonderfully refreshing. Tell it like it is. The goal was bullshit. And, aside from the first goal, England played like dogs.

I'm also incredibly happy that FIFA decided not to ban the horns. What makes soccer watchable is the constant ambient nose that is emitted throughout the stadium, whether it be from horns, drums or singing. Personally, I prefer the singing, but really, in the early stages of the tournament, the crowds are shitty at best. Who's singing for Côte d'Ivoire vs Korea DPR? Or Slovakia vs Paraguay? Nobody, unless Kim Jong Il is sending karaoke hookers to the stadium. So let the horns blow.

Here's one of my favorite summertime videos to kick off summer, which officially starts next week.

A 'beater and a Bentley, all you need to get through the summer.

And here's a classic Top Gear clip as a bonus.

Inspiration is for Amateurs

2010-04-08T07:17:00.000-07:00

The madness has come and gone. More 5'9" whiteboys throwing up prayers. Did you call glass, motherfucker?

Bourdain recently had a special which included interviews with prominent food bloggers. Common theme with all of them: they're fat, really enjoy eating, and have this thing for taking pictures of food. Surprised? Okay, probably not. But Bourdain, with his ability to perfectly assume the role of confidante/drinking/eating buddy was somehow able to convince most of them to come clean on national television about how they have no game and are substituting food for sex. It got me to thinking that we need to set Bourdain up with some of the guys over at espn. I'll name names. Joe Lunardi, Eric Berry, Mel Kiper, jr, Mel Kiper's younger best friend-who-covers-the-draft-but-whose-name-escapes-me, etc. These are all guys in need of some late night drinking and yakitori therapy. Your mothers have been calling. They wish you could be out getting pussy instead of wasting your time talking bracketology or keeper league drafts. "Want to come take a look at the changes i've made to my big board?" Not really a line that makes the panties drop, huh, Mel? Not unless your audience is a bunch of roofied co-eds.

Half Baked was on tv again the other day. I've only seen highlights of the Marbury reality show from a year or two back, but i'd swear he lifted all his material from sir smoke-a-lot. Go watch that scene again where Thurgood sells weed to smoke-a-lot. He does everything short of eating vaseline. Say it ain't so, Starbury. I trusted you. Now, I know it was all a lie.

In honor of another shitty tournament, here are my brackets for your viewing pleasure. I still owe money for one of my pools.

Marion Cotillard vs Miranda Kerr vs Emmanuelle Chriqui. I'll take all three. But rather than being indecisive, and because somebody circled a choice for me and wrote in "winner," Marion it is. Vive la France.

What I do find rather disturbing is that with the right makeup, under the right lighting, viewed at the correct angle, and after you've got enough alcohol on board, Jwoww from Jersey Shore can be briefly mistaken for Emmanuelle Chriqui.

No music video this time, just a random video of James Brown demonstrating some dances. A little spastic, but Goddamn, motherfucker can move.

And a photo of James Brown and Al Sharpton, aka the original pussy posse, just 'cause i dig the style.

Hope you had a good Easters and avoided the diarrheas.

Valentine's Eve Dunkoff

2010-02-14T11:33:00.000-08:00

I was going to do a mock Bill Simmons time-stamped wrap-up of my dunk contest viewing experience, complete with Sports Guy-isms, but I didn't want to subject you to paragraph after paragraph of "my dick's still hard from watching Rondo sink 3s during H-O-R-S-E" or "just got a tweet from my buddy House. He'll be sending Paul Pierce an extra special sext tonight after that 3-point contest performance. Hope you like whipped cream and chocolate pudding, Paul." The footage that has been floating around of Simmons and his dad yelling "anything is possible!" while getting fisted by KG is the most disturbing thing you'll ever watch. So I hear.

Instead of talking about the dunks, I'll recap the commentary, the real highlights of the contest. Quick comment. Shannon's vertical was by far the most impressive, even though the dunks were pedestrian.

10:30 EST: Barkley, "You ever notice how Gatorade doesn't work for people who suck? Like it works for Peyton Manning or Tiger, but not Leroy."

10:33 EST: Reggie Miller, "These are about the level of dunks we do at the Calabasas rec center."

10:35 EST: Demar Derozan does a nice dunk after his teammate bounces a pass off the side of the backboard. Shannon is up next and he's picked Kobe for the collaboration.

Reggie, "Don't know how this is going to turn out. Kobe's used to passing it to the rim."

10:40 EST: Barkley, "Reggie, you ever run into the Kardashians in Calabasas. They do live out there."

Translation: Reggie, you ever fucked any of the Karadashians? All of them? All at once?

10:45 EST: After Nate brings out the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders but only has them standing around, shaking their pom-poms.

Reggie, "It'd be nice if he incorporated them in some way. Maybe if he jumped over them."

Barkley, "It'd be nice if he was taller than one of them."

10:53 EST: With 51% of the vote, Nate takes it again.

Nate, "I'd like to thank God. Without him, I wouldn't be able to do anything."

God just called me, Nate. He wants you to leave his name out of your mouth. He refuses to endorse your mediocrity.

And, there you have it, another sorry year of all-star saturday. The only way they can regenerate interest is if they heed the words of whoever suggested planting a few million in cash at center court (WSOP-style) and have a winner-takes-all dunkoff. I would consider buying that on PPV.

Good Times at the Regal Beagle

2010-01-30T12:51:00.000-08:00

Grammy edition. Here we go.

Have rap artists not figured out nobody gives a fuck that they're into Scarface? Stop posturing. Show me the hard evidence of when you were a Cuban refugee who found himself on the wrong end of a drug deal and watched your friend Angel Fernandez get killed. Otherwise, shut the fuck up already. That includes you, Lil Wayne. It's gay enough you're putting out more autotune shit and passing it off as a rock album. Guitars = rock album as much as guitars = Coby Calet. But to release a sorry interpretation of "She's on Fire" as your first single. That officially buys your two kids that were born this year by different baby mamas beatdowns through their elementary school years. Tough enough that they've got to go through life looking like your ugly martian ass.

Kesha announced the prize for this week's Weekend Edition Sunday Puzzle. She was coherent, enunciated, and sounded like, well, a person you would believe listens to Liane Hansen and Will Shortz on Sunday mornings. It was in sharp contrast to her singing persona, where she sounds like the MTV VJ winner Jessie and looks like a cracked-out Joan Osbourne (who looks cracked-out herself). I find her music just as annoyingly catchy as the next person, but I can't slam her for parlaying an ability to combine tested elements of pop music into some form of success. Does she deserve more hate than Britney Spears? Susan Boyle? Madonna? Can you name a female artist out there moving units who hasn't had a precisely calculated career? Sure, Rhianna got involved in some late-night tussling and Britney Spears did the pants-off dance-off for a couple years; On occasion, emotions will fuck with the plans. Does Kesha have any staying power? Not a chance. Embellishing your name with dollar signs only makes it that much harder. Ma$e went looking for God to help him keep his swag. No luck.

Serena Williams took the Australian Open again. Serena Williams also does ads for Tampax. The marketing guys at P&G must be on crack if they want anyone, especially women, to believe that Serena uses tampons. It's not that Serena is one of those female superathletes who's lost their cycle. It's not that Serena is a man masquerading as a female, although, I know you were thinking that. Fact is, Serena is a hippopotamus masquerading as a human being. Here's the proof.

I've met Common before. Common is a grown-ass man. Here he looks like a little kid on the Jungle Boat Cruise at Disneyland waiting for the captain to pop off some blanks at the hippo climbing out of the water. How did I end up walking down the beach with an armoire?

I was prompted to watch the Chris Breezy wedding procession the other day. I had watched the Office parody before, but never the actual footage. My conclusion: these guys are having a real hard time letting go of drama club. And the number of views further affirms that White people really like random choreographed dancing while wearing sunglasses. See Tom Cruise in Risky Business for reference.

Is there a reason why Camila Alves replaced Jaclyn Smith as host of Shear Genius? It's like having Katie Lee Joel/Padma host Top Chef. You're not imparted credibility simply because you are fucking/were fucking someone famous. Unless, that someone is the President. Then, suddenly you're a fashion icon.

GQ has a brief Miranda Kerr spread this month. She's also in this year's Pirelli calendar.

Has the nipple quotient on this site been rising too fast?

Here's some Corinne Bailey Rae to chill you out.

Looks Like Another Love TKO

2010-01-14T16:19:00.000-08:00

Goddamn, Megan Fox is looking fine in the Armani ads. I have absolutely no problem with them digitally removing her tats. Her body art is terrible. As is Angelina Jolie's. Why the fuck must these chicks defile their God-given talents with such poor graffiti? If you're going to get a tattoo, either do it right or not at all. I won't claim to be any authority on taste, but I know ugly when I see it.

Seen those Windows 7 commercials where "ordinary" people claim to have had epiphanies that led to the creation of the new operating system? The one's I've seen include re-enacted flashbacks which substitute model-types in place of the far-from-model-type narrators. Put me in charge of the ad campaign, I'm twisting it up. The lookers would be the narrators and the uglies would perform in the re-enactments. It'd be controversial and socially unacceptable. It's perfectly fine to elicit laughs by having a doughboy represent himself in his thoughts as being ripped, but flip it around and we're venturing into insensitive territory. Why can't a hotty picture themselves busted? Windows 7 advertisers, you can make it happen. Get yourselves some edge that Apple can't claim to have.

Zoe Saldana been getting a lot of press lately. It's about fucking time. Too bad I have no idea what the current fuss is all about. Heard she was hot in Star Trek. Watched Star Trek. What'd she have like five lines in the whole movie? Haven't seen Avatar, but given that she voice-overs a cartoon character in a made-up dialect, I'd doubt any of her skills or assets are on display. So why all of a sudden are people all high on her? I'm guessing they rented Drumline or caught it on TNT. Who can resist the snares? I know I can't. Give them some Flight of the Bumblee Bee.

Those Vanity Fair pics of Tiger Woods. You think Annie Lebowitz was behind the lens shouting at him that she wanted tickets to the gun show? Felt like a scene straight out of Chappelle Show's "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong." It's not a fucking game. Bark! Bark! WuTang!

Watched the Hangover. It was aight. Todd Phillips again came with his true colors and gave us the fratboy hip hop soundtrack. And in case it wasn't already obvious that Black people love Phil Collins, they brought in Mike Tyson to re-affirm that Black people love Phil Collins. Personally, I would've gone with Sussudio or One More Night. Big Boi from Outkast will tell you about how he made his babies to One More Night.

RIP Teddy Pendergrass

HEY YOU! LIP MY STOCKINGS! LIP THEM!!

2010-01-12T14:26:00.000-08:00

The experiment begins for a post-heavy 2010. Keep your fingers crossed that this doesn't turn into an exercise in redundancy. Not that it hasn't already.

I'm not going to compare Harry Reid to Trent Lott, but are we really supposed to give him a pass on this. Obama and his band of Black politicians, who were long ago castrated to assimilate to White political society, have decided to let it slide. Everyone else has no excuse. It's been so many years since Chris Rock first made mainstream the fact that White people are always impressed by well-spoken Blacks and will essentially perseverate about their ability to command basic vocabulary and grammar. "Wow, did you hear that, Jill? He matched his noun with the correct verb. He's so well-spoken." Why are White people still perpetuating this stereotype? Did they not get the weekly White memo? Spin it as you may, but "Negro dialect" is not an acceptable well-crafted description used by an astute observer. It's derogatory. Of course, I voted for Obama 'cause he wasn't coming at me with that jive talk. Remember the Black guys in Airplane who only spoke the jive talk? Harry Reid wishes there were subtitles available when Black people speak.

Pacquiao and Mayweather will fight. Guaranteed. Really, Manny, you can't give up some blood to make yourself a $25M+ payday. Listen to your Aunt, the nurse, who's been calling you a fucking idiot for not signing up. You're 5'6" and a buck nothing. You could be out chasing chickens for the fryer. Figure it out, buddy. And open the lights while you're up, son. I'm going to give Mayweather a pass because he's scared. Scared people do stupid shit. And really, the handlers are not to blame. You know that Bob Arum wants to get it done, even if it means he'll have to pull some FX-style special effects shit and resurrect one of Pacquiao's relatives from the grave to convince Pacquiao. Don't get caught up on the whole Arum-Mayweather hate angle. Arum is still a Jew. Try showing your face at temple if you botch this one.

Fox News made $700M in operating profit last year. Hate as you will, but Republicans are out there printing money. Don't believe the celebrity hype. Oprah hangs with the Obamas, but votes Republican. Bono would vote Republican if he lived in the US as well. Instead, he's got permanent residence in Monte Carlo. Preach all they want, but these folks are tax-evading money grubbers just like all the rest of us. On a side note, I've always found it hilarious how much of an Obama brownnoser Oprah is. I imagine her taking on the Will Arnett 30 Rock role, gossiping with Sasha and Malia about schoolboys to get in the good graces of the parents. Meanwhile, Stedman's parked at the titty bar, FLOODING IT UP. More champagne, Mr. 4 tay?

Have a baby by me, Baby. Be a millionaire.

2009-12-30T06:06:00.001-08:00

Shit, year's almost over. Can it be that there was absolutely nothing noteworthy to write about during these past 360+ days? Probably not. But inspiration to write is key and, 2009 has felt rather bland.

Let's talk about Tebow. I love that Florida haters have nicknamed him "Baby Jesus." It's just so appropriate given that everyone regards him as if he's the second coming. Too bad he's nothing more than the football version of Tyler Hansborough. He'll run right into traffic and try to win by being more psycho than the other players on the field. Sure, that shit works in college. Take the same approach in the NFL and get knocked the fuck out. 6'3" 250lbs guys who run 4.5s get routinely cut in the pros. Maybe he'll get a shot at tight end, but I'm doubtful he can catch or block. Is he any better than Tommy Frazier? Marques Tuiasosopo?

Check out the Beyonce video with Lady Gaga. White girl needs to keep her disguises on at all times. You need to play a disclaimer before exposing that face on national television. If you drunkenly end up fucking her in the dark, you'd better set an alarm and wake your ass up early to avoid a glimpse of her in the morning. Like one of my boys always says to me "visage de merde."

Haven't seen a new F word in a while, but you should check out some back episodes when you get a chance. Americans only know Gordon Ramsay from Hell's Kitchen and maybe a few episodes of Kitchen Nightmares, typical reality television drivel. Watch the F word and you'll realize how crappy the food shows are in the US. Don't mistakenly watch the L word instead. Not the same. NOT THE SAME.

How could 2009 not be noteworthy, you argue, we got Obama. Obama. Yawn. Don't get me wrong, I think he's been doing a passable job as president, but since I saw him for the first time speaking at the 2004 convention and discovered that he isn't white, I've been over the whole black thing. Harping on the Obamas being black is like harping on how well Colin Powell speaks. Here's an unintentional dig on how significant the president's skin color should be, courtesy of young jeezy: "My president is black, my lambo is blue..."

Obama visited China and the common Chinese folks were disappointed with his trip. When interviewed, they said they were expecting him to be jogging on the streets, playing pickup ball, and doing other mundane things to endear himself to the people. I don't know about you, but Obama comes over and smokes up at least once a week. We shoot the shit for a few hours, play some Wii golf. Fucking idiots.

And quick thought about the Obama runs that everyone in DC's been trying to get invited to. Supposedly, the participants include ex-overseas pros and D1 players. That being the case, what is Obama doing in these games? He played high school ball in Hawaii and is what, 6'1"-6'2"? Plus, he's in sweats. He may be the president, but he brings it to the hole, it's your duty to remind him to get that weak shit out of there.

What's happened to Jay-Z's flow? RZA once stated that Jay was always known in NYC circles for being able to spit fast with clarity. Now, although the enunciation remains, the flow is choppy. And the rhymes are awkward. He's discovered a new vocabulary since becoming rich and he finds it necessary to throw in a word or two here or there to show us that he's aware. You're slipping, Mr. Fierce.

Is the decade ending? I always thought groups of ten run from 1-10, as in 2001-2010. Keep seeing and hearing shit about the best and worst of the decade. People are so desparate for something to validate their lives that they feel compelled to compartmentalize things into bullshit categories so that they can present them to others and forcefully debate them. All these callers to NPR labeling this the worst decade they can remember. Yeah, that's 'cause your ass can't remember when times were really bad. Let's put you back into the '40s and have you be Japanese, German or a European Jew. Try telling one of the survivors about how terrible your decade was.

Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela. Did you hear that he was on the top of a long list? They also auditioned Bill Cosby, Samuel L Jackson, Danny Glover, Sidney Poitier, and --insert black actor with appropriate height here--. If I stood on the street and asked people to guess who was being cast to play Nelson Mandela, I guarantee I'd get Morgan Freeman 100 of 100 guesses. Obviously, originality was not in the thought process. What, you couldn't find a suitable black actor in all of South Africa?

Bone marrow is on everyone's menu nowadays. I had a side of marrow to go with my ribs the other day at Applebee's. Have you tried the marrow waffles at Waffle House? But seriously, I have to question whether people who are ordering marrow actually enjoy eating it. In fact, offal has become so trendy, but I'd guess that most diners are ordering it to act like they're in the know or to fulfill a dare. I won't lie, I ate a lot of offal growing up. Chitlins, pork ears, pork kidneys, pork blood, chicken gizzard (mmmm chicken gizzard), beef tripe, etc. Guarantee you these are not on the list of Stuff White People Like. Well, at least not those type of white folks.

Aren't you proud of Tiger Woods getting his fuck on? If you's a blonde chick gettin' your fuck on tonight, I'll be dat, I'll be dat. Aaron McGruder summed it up perfectly in the Sunday strip of March 2, 2003. "So what do you think, Caesar? What's the secret to happiness?" Huey asks. "White women?" Caesar replies.

When is Sean Kingston going to eat Iyaz for trying to claim his bubble gum Jamaican pop style? Wait 'til Jamie Foxx gets ahold of it.

Another exceptional hook by 50

Kelly Rowland, keeping up the video ho tradition started by Beyonce.

Does this violate some kind of copyright? These are my favorite photos of this year:

"Sasha Fierce. Watch Paris is Burning and ask yourself, 'am I Paris is Burning?'"

2008-12-31T21:15:00.000-08:00

It's the end of the year again. What the fuck? Where has all the time gone? I need to write more, my output is pathetic.

New Beyonce album has been out for what, couple months? I love it. Sasha Fierce. It's like Grace Jones, but with bigger testes. And the new metal armware she's been sporting, that shit's gonna be a hit. Available soon at a Wet Seal near you. Go cop that shit.

Beyonce fans once signed an online petition to have her video for "Deja Vu" banned, protesting its "poor editing" and "unacceptable interactions [between Beyonce and Jay-z]" Where are those fans to protest the unacceptable interactions between Beyonce and a microphone? Get your independent ass out of here. Question?

Heard something about some high profile guys getting "Bro-zilians," as in Brazilians for men. Don't want to call anybody out; let's just say two guys whose names rhyme with Tuffy and Gay-z may be involved. Now, there's nothing wrong with cleaning up in the crotchal region. But if their Brazilian is the type I prefer on women, and I'm not talking hairless, then I'm willing to bet that they can only rip silent farts. Grooming your manginas to be more attractive, he-bitches? Beyonce is Sasha Fierce and Jay-z's doing the tuck. Black people, this is your "first couple of hip hop."

T-pain has laid claim to vocoder music and everybody seems to be okay with it. He even has the audacity to ask that other artists pay him royalties for using the style. Don't fucking kid yourself, son. Let me remind you of this little song called "Believe" by Cher, easily the biggest vocoder (vocoder/autotune, all the same to me) hit of all time. Yup, you're biting the style of an icon of gay men everywhere. Certainly appropriate since hip hop vocoder music should really be genred as black emo. Lil Wayne, you may sag your jeans, but they're still the same girly jeans rocked by pete wentz and the jonas brothers. Go ahead, blame it on the promethazine.

Lost is coming back on the air soon. Too bad what once was a promising show has degenerated into high budget shit-in-a-can. I'd like to believe that the writers actually had a full story in mind when they started, but now they're just making things up on the fly. I'm absolutely certain it will end as one big disappointment. Still, I'll watch it and I'll curse.

Eva Mendes and Rosario Dawson, how are these chicks getting starring roles in studio films? When was the last time you saw either one in a movie and thought to yourself, "God damn, this bitch can act?" C'mon, 2 Fast 2 Furious? Men in Black 2? Maybe if it were a dick-sucking contest. Marisa Tomei is sitting at home somewhere with her Oscar saying, "Eva Mendes, what the fuck?!"

Why have we been playing games with these Somalian pirates? They're nothing more than poorly-trained, poorly-equipped terrorists who need to be shown that the last thing they should be doing is fucking with people's money. You fuck with my money, you're fucking with my emotions, man. They've got to be taught what's what, a la the Israelis in Gaza. You think being poor gives you carte blanche to act stupidly. When you go home and find a big ass crater where you expect your house and family to be, don't say you didn't see it coming. If those fools on Whale Wars want a real challenge, maybe they can park their asses off the Somali coast and fight some pirates. How 'bout it, toughguys?

Where the fuck did all the "We are the World," Comic Relief, Live Aid, etc. money go? Last I checked, most of Africa's still fucked up. We're writing blank checks and handing them over without accountability simply for the sake of feeling better about ourselves. Celebrity advocates are fucking idiots. They don't give a shit about Africa. Go live your ass in Africa, then come talk to me. Not as fashionable or attention-getting as adopting an African or hosting a charity event, so what's the point in that?

Obama has no chance. McCain wouldn't have had one either. The only people who can save America is Americans. Too bad we're caught up in worthless conflicts about abortion, gay marriage, etc. Keep spending hundreds of millions of dollars to get out your worthless point of view, meanwhile kids are still out there starving. Yup, pretty sappy. Yup, pretty damn true.

If you haven't been watching Top Gear for the past eleven seasons, you've been missing out on one of the best shows on television. I suggest you download it or watch it on BBC America.

Trends to watch for in Spring '09 include exotic prints, insect designs, and tribal necklaces. I also hear that ugly remains in fashion, so, Spencer, Heidi, and Chelsea Clinton, guess you're safe for another season. Also, big dicks are still in, meaning I'm safe for another season as well.

Spun the dreidle again this year. Here's a permed-out classic for Jesus lovers.

Ran into Jamie Lynn Sigler one weekend in the meatpacking district. Not a bad looking chick. Meadow Soprano, how far you've fallen. Fucking Turtle on screen and in real life. That's some sad shit.

And in honor of the San Diego Superchargers, the only team representing Cali in the playoffs this year:

Sorry, Jay, even Reasonable Doubt can't make me forgive your fondness for acting like a "kid from the Philipines."

There's nothing he heard somewhere else that he's trying to replicate. Instead, it's "I just dreamt up the way this shit should sound."

2008-09-23T07:01:00.000-07:00

The bump. The Obamas do it in public. Junior Bush has tried it. Shit, even GHW Bush does it (granted, he uses it in the right circumstances). It’s been written about in such controversial liberal media outlets as Reader’s Digest and Parade magazine. And if you’re not a professional entertainer (ie. athlete, musician, sock puppeteer, etc.), you should just stay the hell away from it. Everybody who regards this as an appropriate greeting or celebratory gesture needs to give it up. You’re embarrassing yourself and your families and, if you happen to be president or running for president, you’re embarrassing your country. It’s disgusting. Even old Southern grandmas are talking shit about you for doing it. SAD.

The guys at Ferrari are whores. Who makes station wagons?

Here’s a typical picture of REI KAWAKUBO who started Commes de Garcon (this is from the CDG x LV collaboration launch). You’ll never find a photo of her where she isn’t giving this joyless, semi-pissed look. Because life is so damn hard when people pay you outrageous sums of money to do something that you love. Please, somebody save her from this miserable existence. Obviously, “molester” uncle didn’t come over enough to make her learn to appreciate things.

Lil Wayne's asshole is blowing up. Baby's got Mon-Thurs. T-pain covers the weekends.

The blokes at Maxim must’ve been smoking the crack-laden horseshit again when they came up with this year’s Hot 100 list. Really, does anybody read Maxim? Its relevance was lost a long time ago, as was the Source’s. Still, sometimes you happen upon some eye candy while flipping through the channels. This time it happened to be the Maxim hot 100 countdown. While there are a few passable choices, they’re unable to make up for all those selections who clearly were repeatedly beaten with the ugly stick. America Ferrera? She wouldn’t get two looks at the swap meet. The Hills’ chicks, fronted by the poster child for ugly, Heidi? Sure, you’re guaranteed head on the first date, but there’s another list for that. Ashley Olson? Jennifer Love Hewitt at #20?! Are you still beating off to those VHS-taped Party of Five re-runs?

When John McCain dies from melanoma, we’ll be living in Bobby’s world full-time. With Bobby’s mom as president, Uncle Ted will be sent to reform Capitol Hill by threatening them all with noogies.

I don't endorse Barack Obama. And I'd probably check off strawberry over chocolate milkshake. Don't take that as a thumbs up for grandpa either. Here's why in spite of the fist bump, Obama is truly a pimp and not just another "thing that white people like." And here's the background on the conversation.

What happened to Maya? She wears a size fo-our.

Mya Feat Silkk The Shocker Movin On Music via Noolmusic.com

Black '80s Night! One Night Only!

2008-05-19T17:35:00.000-07:00

Damn it's been a long time. Let me apologize ahead of time for the old shit that I'm going to speak on in this post.

Barack Obama is going to win the Democratic nomination. He's going to be Prez-o-dent. But actually, he's not, since McCain will win.

Read this article the other day about how the recession will be the end of the asshole i-banker, richard meier buildings, etc. It's clear that the author is not in touch with reality. In the real world, the rich keep getting richer, the poor remain stagnant, and the middle class gets fucked up the ass. Luckily, KY is sponsoring.

There's a new movie trailer where someone knocks on the door, the girl asks, "who is it?" and the answer is "you're going to die." Naturally, chaos ensues. Made me think of all those ethnic comedians (and by ethnic, I'm referring to Black and Hispanic as they're the only one's who do comedy) who do these bits where they talk about how members of their race would never get caught in horror movie situations the way White movie characters do. I guess I can maybe skeptically agree with their arguments. But the people who I'm certain would never be a victim of a horror movie scenario are fanatic jihadists. Psycho killer comes knocking at the door and next thing they know, they're dead. If they're lucky, it was an explosion. If they're not, then they've just been beheaded. Would a horror movie be marketable in Iraq? A lone Arab couple goes camping in the desert. Psycho killers and ghouls are staying the fuck away. Wouldn't want to be a Shiite psycho being caught in the wrong Suni area at the wrong time.

PETA protested at the Preakness. Maybe if they were actually the compassionate activists that they claim to be, they'd protest the Burmese junta. Too bad they're worthless cowards like those people at Greenpeace. But who wouldn't argue that human lives are nowhere near as important or cuddly as horses and seals?

This is way late, but for a while I'd been running into females on the street and in the workplace wearing bermuda short suits paired with boots. What the fuck were they thinking? Who approved this vomit-inducing outfit? I'm saddened that I can't erase what my eyes have seen.

Picture that with knee high boots. Ugh.

Black people, welcome to your '80s synth pop dance party.

Usher - Love In This Club feat. Young Jeezy

some nasty skank is going to front me...

2008-02-26T16:13:00.000-08:00

Marc Jacobs is PIMP. I love the authenticity of the party. Hookahs. Hispanic waiters in red fezes pretending to be Arabs. The mandatory large colorful comforter in a plastic travel bag.

College basketball sucks balls this season. None of the teams are up to par. People are so desparate for some semblance of a great team that Memphis vs Tennessee was the game of the year. No Anfernee. No Allan Houston. Not even Dajuan Wagner. Then, Tennessee goes out and gets beat by Vanderbilt. Gloria? The best player's on a team that just lost 3 straight. Puts up some great numbers, but probably won't be shit as a pro. Great players win. Doesn't matter where they're playing. See Carmelo Anthony for reference.

I just realized that Tyler Hansborough is Mark Madsen. And Madsen was better. Have you ever seen a guy get rejected so much in your life? The kid has ZERO athleticism. He does the crazed big white guy move, going to the hole with arms raised, basketball out-in-front. Rejected everytime, bailed out by the refs half the time. These aren't "I got a piece of it" blocks either. It's full palms on the ball. Even the opposing point guard gets in on it. A block buffet if you will. Wait 'til he goes to the NBA and does nothing.

In contrast to college hoops, the NBA is fucking ridiculous this year. The West is stacked and the East is on vacation as usual. And everyone is so excited. Watch any commentary or read any article; the NBA is so exciting. Fuck, it's such a consensus on the excitement. Just like how everyone agrees that Colin Powell speaks so well. And you know what's especially exciting? The next generation of stars are all clean cut non-fuckups. I'm so excited I just shit myself thinking about it. In fact, I even soil my drawers when the thought comes up in my dreams. So excited. It's fantastic. Better bring John Tesh back, 'cause we're excited. I can't contain myself. I need to go out into the streets and draw some chalk rainbows. EX-CITE-MENT!

I long for the good old days when a Turtle-look-a-like could get knocked the fuck out by Jermaine O'neal at the Palace.

White people like Mos Def. So do Asians. And definitely Black people.

"This is pro ball, and we letting you know y'all"

Something Haute For Your Asses

2008-01-13T14:48:00.000-08:00

I'm shocked by the willingness of diners to pay premium prices for dressed-up comfort food. Throw out the slick interiors, the fancy dishware, and the designer uniforms and the food is no better than the corner greasy spoon or mom's home cooking. $15 ramen? Are you for real, son? And am I supposed to be impressed by a menu that lists off ingredients, ingredient suppliers, obscure techniques, etc? There was a time when haute interpretations of mac n' cheese were campy cool. Now, it's just a tired idea that shows up at F-list celebrity wedding receptions and bar mitzvahs in the valley. As consumers, we should demand more than just re-incarnations of the same old money shot.

$100M. That's clearly the threshold amount needed to guarantee you'll stay rich no matter what the fuck you do. Somehow, Britney Spears is worth roughly $100M and the money machine just keeps churning in spite of her best attempts to sabotage herself. Hammer should've tried harder to reach the magic number. Unfortunately, he blew all his money employing all of black Oakland. If he'd been a star today, he could've run for president. Should've blown it all on PCP instead.

People have to quit describing shit as being "fierce." Only two things in this world are fierce, wild carnivorous animals and my dick in your ass. Additionally, we've got to outlaw euphemisms for vagina. Speak like adults and not like 5-year-olds, bitches. There are only two acceptable alternatives for vagina: cunt and pussy (aka pootang). And, maybe I'll accept hoo-ha if you insist upon it.

Did you catch what people wore at the grammy's? Metrosexual rap is in full effect. Here's a few that rep the genre.

KIA SHINE

Wow, to be a metro black rapper.

LUPE FIASCO

TABI BONNEY

Peep the pink pants and pink moped.

PHARRELL/KANYE WEST

Did I remember to make an appointment for my waxing, mani- and pedi-?

It's perplexing how people eat up Wyclef Jean's rehashed beats and lyrics from recent hits. Saw him on tv the other day talking 'bout "hips don't lie" and how he came up with the track, acting like Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz hadn't used those same horns a few years ago. And this new song that uses the hook from C.R.E.A.M. It's true, you can sell anything to pop music audiences.

Don't download pictures of the Hong Kong sex scandal unless you're nostalgic for '80s porn. Head shots and jungle bush. What's with the stuffed animals? Are we in junior high? At least it's confirmed; Chinese starlets suck balls. [INSERT LOUD EMPHATIC APPLAUSE HERE]

Holiday Picture Whoredom

2007-12-27T08:18:00.000-08:00

How do you like them apples with your DREIDEL, Grant Hill?

And, of course, the video. Do you remember this happening at UCLA?

And the classic.

Why are the Suns such willing participants? What are you doing, Steve, grabbing for some nuts to go with your DREIDEL?

If you listen to the initial cheering, the Phoenix fans are obviously on some Kobe nuts.

And one of my favorite pictures of all time. David Stern did a brilliant makeover with the MVP hardware.

Yeah Yeah... I Might Get Stabbed

2007-12-22T09:24:00.000-08:00

I've gone black. And as the saying goes, "Once you go black, you might get stabbed." I'll take my chances. The white was boring me and playing basketball wasn't providing much relief. These templates are pretty pathetic. Every offering that I've seen on the internet has been based on something sentimentally hideous, such as kittens, celebrities or hot dog sandwiches. Of course, posting one's thoughts online isn't exactly art. And I'm no artist.

It's Christmas week. My dradel broke. So, I wrapped it up and stuck it under someone else's tree. I'm full of Christ love. I know what I want for the big 2-5 this year. Knowledge. I need more and it seems that I'm always behind. Damn the burden of being a human being.

I usually don't speak on politics, but the "Fair Tax" proposal is one of the craziest ideas i've ever seen on any legitimate presidential candidate's platform. I know I'd be embarrassed to back something that has an even smaller chance of happening than a black or woman president, neither of which will be happening anytime soon. I'm not saying I wouldn't want any of these things to happen. I just know they won't.

Now, for more clips. I don't find YouTube entertaining, but I appreciate that they host clips of what I'm looking for.

Not subtle. Not particularly original. Funny, nonetheless.

Best line:
"My place is usually tidier than this."

Sorry for the pixelation, but peep the leg kicks, fat chicks, and BOUNCE!

Yes, more fat people. Stab them all and that's a tanker full of gravy.

You little shits, I got money stacks bigger than you. But you can't hate on the beats. Like with Quiet Storm. Funny thing is, they were much more compelling at 19 than they've ever been since. And for those who've only been exposed to rap music through Eminem and 8 Mile, get your learn in. Watch it again if you missed it, whiteboy makes sure he gets a shout out in: "Cuz ain't no such thing as halfway crooks..."

Young Halle Told Me To Make Her Feel Good... So, I Gave Her The Monster Balls

2007-12-01T10:23:00.000-08:00

I missed the whole month of November. Thirty days. No posts. Guess I better get on it.

At work once again. Wasting time once again. Recurring theme.

Yes, it's been said before, but that 50 Cent is so well-spoken. He's the ghetto Colin Powell. Sure, he gives you nothing but formulaic bubble gum hip hop, but who wouldn't dumb it down for the audience if it gets you paid? Watch any interview or special, it's obvious that this is a thoughtful man. Makes you wonder why he insists on beefing with everyone. Must be a marketing tactic.

I'm tired of pregnant women getting undressed and having their picture taken. And it's not as if it were ever a fresh idea. Plus, if you're going to make a big deal about a pregnant celebrity posing in the NUDE, then she better be giving me more poses than the usual titty holding/crotch covering. Drop down and get your eagle on, girl.

December 1st. I'm counting down to spinning the dradle.

Who You Fucking, O.J.?

2007-10-26T05:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe the prolific talk was a bit premature. I'm trying my best to re-arrange the fifty words and provide readers with "new" content.

I was sitting at the terminal in LaGuardia on Sunday, forced to listen to one of those ubiquitous airport flatscreens that continously run CNN Headline news. What's breaking news at 8 am EST? Dumbledore is Gay. And even more compelling news, the majority of people who answered the "are you surprised" poll voted for no, something like 56% to 44%. I've never read any of the books, only caught the movies, so maybe they're filled with double-entendres that give you insight about Dumbledore getting sucked-off on the side. Guess I probably should have saw it coming, what with the velour robes and the transforming into a phoenix; he was clearly shouting flamer. Luckily, Rowling didn't simply drop the news without going into more details. Apparently, the man had sexual tension with another wizard. Got me thinking, there's an exact parallel in real life: professional sports. You don't want to picture two wizards giving each other the Brokeback reach around just like you don't want to visualize two O-line guys going backdoor with Sade's "Ordinary Love" bumping in the background. But it happens/-ed and we need to talk about it. You can e-mail Rowling for her Harry Potter series XXX author's cut edition at harrypotteralternafuck@nodogfighting.com.

But we've got to move on from this old news.

James Lipton was once a French pimp. No bullshit. He's got that quiet, deliberate speech, but his backhand is a mother... He quit 'cause he got tired of dealing with all that pubic hair. Thank God for the Brazilian.

Props to Bobby Jindal for infiltrating the white man's world. Katrina was a bitch, but for an Indian guy to get the Southerner's vote is pretty incredible. Of course, I know nothing of the details of the race, so, it could've been a fluke. But I'll give the man and his handlers their due. He should be aware that if he fucks it up, no Asian person will ever be elected for anything ever again.

I like the look of Common's new video. It's got that dreamy cinematography, muted colors, and everybody's styling. A far cry from the endless stream of grimy ghetto-ass hip hop videos that we're constantly bombarded with. Yeah, the content is nothing to rave about and Kerry Washington isn't Halle Berry, but you'd hit that for a dollar.

While I do like watching dubbed-out Cutlasses and trucks with thick women in stripper gear hanging out the windows weaving down a random street in the hood, it's definitely a tired formula. And enough with the dance song videos. Its not gangsta to model yourself after the "Cha Cha Slide." Come on homey, peep the Roots' "What they Do" video. Yes, it's definitely more applicable to East Coast than dirty South, but sooner or later, you're just parodying yourself.

One day, the video links will no longer be supported and my posts will look like shit with error messages strewn about. But sometimes, I've got to show people what I'm talking about. Plus, I promise I'll never post anything that's not worth watching.

And for DJ Khaled, Jermaine Dupri, Lil John, and Puffy:

Y'all know what this is. I'm the best. Eh-eh, eh-eh. Okay. Listen.

You can call me the ad lib monster.

'Til next time... Go fuck yourself, San Diego wildfires.

Call Me Mr. Prolific

2007-10-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

That's two days in-a-row of writing. Could there be some direct correlation with my being at work for two days in-a-row? No way.

It's Sunday morning, how about some sports? Cal. What the fuck? Homeboy's been playing too much Madden, started to believe that he could turn the corner like Vince Young. Alas, just another slow white guy. He definitely went home and cried himself to sleep last night. Fans spit on him, teammates had to be restrained from him, his girl dumped him and told him she'd been fucking his best friend... that's life. Lessons to be learned from this: #1 Don't think that your Madden glory translates to shit in real life. #2 Don't model yourself after loser athletes who cry after every disappointment. To take a line from Gordon Ramsay, "Grow some fucking bollocks." What, do you need mommy to offer up a tit for you to suck on?

On a random note, I love the Brits on TV. They're really some of the smoothest motherfuckers you'll see. Talk shit about you in your interview and do it with a smile. Make you start believing the shit they're saying about you. Check this clip out where they interview Nigo from BAPE. Two words, "lonely otaku." The pantomime is gangster.

Re-release Party

2007-10-13T14:05:00.000-07:00

I started this thing, was going to tell people about it, and start writing. But instead, nothing.

Here it is, the re-release of the original non-release. I'm repackaging it with a new cover and a hot new intro so that the zero who copped the first edition will be forced to give in to this one as well.

Why do this? 'Cause I'm attention-starved and need to make sure that my words are available to be in everyone's face at all times. Is that the truth? No. I'm at work. I'm making sure that my salary dollars go towards nothing productive.

I can't promise anything that hasn't been done before. In fact, I can guarantee that most of what shows up here will not be eloquent, will be redundant, and will not be relevant to my life or pretty much anyone else's. In case you were wondering, I do read other people's sites. And I will shamelessly steal their ideas and post them up here. I'm like the Japanese. I'll probably do your shit better than you.

Konichiwa, Bitches.

2007-04-25T22:23:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging. Updates will happen often, occasionally, or not-at-all. Is the world ready for the verbal onslaught that is my 50-word vocabulary?