Something Haute For Your Asses

I'm shocked by the willingness of diners to pay premium prices for dressed-up comfort food. Throw out the slick interiors, the fancy dishware, and the designer uniforms and the food is no better than the corner greasy spoon or mom's home cooking. $15 ramen? Are you for real, son? And am I supposed to be impressed by a menu that lists off ingredients, ingredient suppliers, obscure techniques, etc? There was a time when haute interpretations of mac n' cheese were campy cool. Now, it's just a tired idea that shows up at F-list celebrity wedding receptions and bar mitzvahs in the valley. As consumers, we should demand more than just re-incarnations of the same old money shot.

$100M. That's clearly the threshold amount needed to guarantee you'll stay rich no matter what the fuck you do. Somehow, Britney Spears is worth roughly $100M and the money machine just keeps churning in spite of her best attempts to sabotage herself. Hammer should've tried harder to reach the magic number. Unfortunately, he blew all his money employing all of black Oakland. If he'd been a star today, he could've run for president. Should've blown it all on PCP instead.

People have to quit describing shit as being "fierce." Only two things in this world are fierce, wild carnivorous animals and my dick in your ass. Additionally, we've got to outlaw euphemisms for vagina. Speak like adults and not like 5-year-olds, bitches. There are only two acceptable alternatives for vagina: cunt and pussy (aka pootang). And, maybe I'll accept hoo-ha if you insist upon it.

Did you catch what people wore at the grammy's? Metrosexual rap is in full effect. Here's a few that rep the genre.

KIA SHINE





Wow, to be a metro black rapper.

LUPE FIASCO





TABI BONNEY





Peep the pink pants and pink moped.

PHARRELL/KANYE WEST



Did I remember to make an appointment for my waxing, mani- and pedi-?


It's perplexing how people eat up Wyclef Jean's rehashed beats and lyrics from recent hits. Saw him on tv the other day talking 'bout "hips don't lie" and how he came up with the track, acting like Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz hadn't used those same horns a few years ago. And this new song that uses the hook from C.R.E.A.M. It's true, you can sell anything to pop music audiences.

Don't download pictures of the Hong Kong sex scandal unless you're nostalgic for '80s porn. Head shots and jungle bush. What's with the stuffed animals? Are we in junior high? At least it's confirmed; Chinese starlets suck balls. [INSERT LOUD EMPHATIC APPLAUSE HERE]