Good Times at the Regal Beagle

Grammy edition. Here we go.

Have rap artists not figured out nobody gives a fuck that they're into Scarface? Stop posturing. Show me the hard evidence of when you were a Cuban refugee who found himself on the wrong end of a drug deal and watched your friend Angel Fernandez get killed. Otherwise, shut the fuck up already. That includes you, Lil Wayne. It's gay enough you're putting out more autotune shit and passing it off as a rock album. Guitars = rock album as much as guitars = Coby Calet. But to release a sorry interpretation of "She's on Fire" as your first single. That officially buys your two kids that were born this year by different baby mamas beatdowns through their elementary school years. Tough enough that they've got to go through life looking like your ugly martian ass.

Kesha announced the prize for this week's Weekend Edition Sunday Puzzle. She was coherent, enunciated, and sounded like, well, a person you would believe listens to Liane Hansen and Will Shortz on Sunday mornings. It was in sharp contrast to her singing persona, where she sounds like the MTV VJ winner Jessie and looks like a cracked-out Joan Osbourne (who looks cracked-out herself). I find her music just as annoyingly catchy as the next person, but I can't slam her for parlaying an ability to combine tested elements of pop music into some form of success. Does she deserve more hate than Britney Spears? Susan Boyle? Madonna? Can you name a female artist out there moving units who hasn't had a precisely calculated career? Sure, Rhianna got involved in some late-night tussling and Britney Spears did the pants-off dance-off for a couple years; On occasion, emotions will fuck with the plans. Does Kesha have any staying power? Not a chance. Embellishing your name with dollar signs only makes it that much harder. Ma$e went looking for God to help him keep his swag. No luck.

Serena Williams took the Australian Open again. Serena Williams also does ads for Tampax. The marketing guys at P&G must be on crack if they want anyone, especially women, to believe that Serena uses tampons. It's not that Serena is one of those female superathletes who's lost their cycle. It's not that Serena is a man masquerading as a female, although, I know you were thinking that. Fact is, Serena is a hippopotamus masquerading as a human being. Here's the proof.



I've met Common before. Common is a grown-ass man. Here he looks like a little kid on the Jungle Boat Cruise at Disneyland waiting for the captain to pop off some blanks at the hippo climbing out of the water. How did I end up walking down the beach with an armoire?

I was prompted to watch the Chris Breezy wedding procession the other day. I had watched the Office parody before, but never the actual footage. My conclusion: these guys are having a real hard time letting go of drama club. And the number of views further affirms that White people really like random choreographed dancing while wearing sunglasses. See Tom Cruise in Risky Business for reference.

Is there a reason why Camila Alves replaced Jaclyn Smith as host of Shear Genius? It's like having Katie Lee Joel/Padma host Top Chef. You're not imparted credibility simply because you are fucking/were fucking someone famous. Unless, that someone is the President. Then, suddenly you're a fashion icon.

GQ has a brief Miranda Kerr spread this month. She's also in this year's Pirelli calendar.



Has the nipple quotient on this site been rising too fast?

Here's some Corinne Bailey Rae to chill you out.

Looks Like Another Love TKO

Goddamn, Megan Fox is looking fine in the Armani ads. I have absolutely no problem with them digitally removing her tats. Her body art is terrible. As is Angelina Jolie's. Why the fuck must these chicks defile their God-given talents with such poor graffiti? If you're going to get a tattoo, either do it right or not at all. I won't claim to be any authority on taste, but I know ugly when I see it.







Seen those Windows 7 commercials where "ordinary" people claim to have had epiphanies that led to the creation of the new operating system? The one's I've seen include re-enacted flashbacks which substitute model-types in place of the far-from-model-type narrators. Put me in charge of the ad campaign, I'm twisting it up. The lookers would be the narrators and the uglies would perform in the re-enactments. It'd be controversial and socially unacceptable. It's perfectly fine to elicit laughs by having a doughboy represent himself in his thoughts as being ripped, but flip it around and we're venturing into insensitive territory. Why can't a hotty picture themselves busted? Windows 7 advertisers, you can make it happen. Get yourselves some edge that Apple can't claim to have.

Zoe Saldana been getting a lot of press lately. It's about fucking time. Too bad I have no idea what the current fuss is all about. Heard she was hot in Star Trek. Watched Star Trek. What'd she have like five lines in the whole movie? Haven't seen Avatar, but given that she voice-overs a cartoon character in a made-up dialect, I'd doubt any of her skills or assets are on display. So why all of a sudden are people all high on her? I'm guessing they rented Drumline or caught it on TNT. Who can resist the snares? I know I can't. Give them some Flight of the Bumblee Bee.




Those Vanity Fair pics of Tiger Woods. You think Annie Lebowitz was behind the lens shouting at him that she wanted tickets to the gun show? Felt like a scene straight out of Chappelle Show's "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong." It's not a fucking game. Bark! Bark! WuTang!

Watched the Hangover. It was aight. Todd Phillips again came with his true colors and gave us the fratboy hip hop soundtrack. And in case it wasn't already obvious that Black people love Phil Collins, they brought in Mike Tyson to re-affirm that Black people love Phil Collins. Personally, I would've gone with Sussudio or One More Night. Big Boi from Outkast will tell you about how he made his babies to One More Night.



RIP Teddy Pendergrass

HEY YOU! LIP MY STOCKINGS! LIP THEM!!

The experiment begins for a post-heavy 2010. Keep your fingers crossed that this doesn't turn into an exercise in redundancy. Not that it hasn't already.

I'm not going to compare Harry Reid to Trent Lott, but are we really supposed to give him a pass on this. Obama and his band of Black politicians, who were long ago castrated to assimilate to White political society, have decided to let it slide. Everyone else has no excuse. It's been so many years since Chris Rock first made mainstream the fact that White people are always impressed by well-spoken Blacks and will essentially perseverate about their ability to command basic vocabulary and grammar. "Wow, did you hear that, Jill? He matched his noun with the correct verb. He's so well-spoken." Why are White people still perpetuating this stereotype? Did they not get the weekly White memo? Spin it as you may, but "Negro dialect" is not an acceptable well-crafted description used by an astute observer. It's derogatory. Of course, I voted for Obama 'cause he wasn't coming at me with that jive talk. Remember the Black guys in Airplane who only spoke the jive talk? Harry Reid wishes there were subtitles available when Black people speak.

Pacquiao and Mayweather will fight. Guaranteed. Really, Manny, you can't give up some blood to make yourself a $25M+ payday. Listen to your Aunt, the nurse, who's been calling you a fucking idiot for not signing up. You're 5'6" and a buck nothing. You could be out chasing chickens for the fryer. Figure it out, buddy. And open the lights while you're up, son. I'm going to give Mayweather a pass because he's scared. Scared people do stupid shit. And really, the handlers are not to blame. You know that Bob Arum wants to get it done, even if it means he'll have to pull some FX-style special effects shit and resurrect one of Pacquiao's relatives from the grave to convince Pacquiao. Don't get caught up on the whole Arum-Mayweather hate angle. Arum is still a Jew. Try showing your face at temple if you botch this one.

Fox News made $700M in operating profit last year. Hate as you will, but Republicans are out there printing money. Don't believe the celebrity hype. Oprah hangs with the Obamas, but votes Republican. Bono would vote Republican if he lived in the US as well. Instead, he's got permanent residence in Monte Carlo. Preach all they want, but these folks are tax-evading money grubbers just like all the rest of us. On a side note, I've always found it hilarious how much of an Obama brownnoser Oprah is. I imagine her taking on the Will Arnett 30 Rock role, gossiping with Sasha and Malia about schoolboys to get in the good graces of the parents. Meanwhile, Stedman's parked at the titty bar, FLOODING IT UP. More champagne, Mr. 4 tay?

Have a baby by me, Baby. Be a millionaire.

Shit, year's almost over. Can it be that there was absolutely nothing noteworthy to write about during these past 360+ days? Probably not. But inspiration to write is key and, 2009 has felt rather bland.

Let's talk about Tebow. I love that Florida haters have nicknamed him "Baby Jesus." It's just so appropriate given that everyone regards him as if he's the second coming. Too bad he's nothing more than the football version of Tyler Hansborough. He'll run right into traffic and try to win by being more psycho than the other players on the field. Sure, that shit works in college. Take the same approach in the NFL and get knocked the fuck out. 6'3" 250lbs guys who run 4.5s get routinely cut in the pros. Maybe he'll get a shot at tight end, but I'm doubtful he can catch or block. Is he any better than Tommy Frazier? Marques Tuiasosopo?

Check out the Beyonce video with Lady Gaga. White girl needs to keep her disguises on at all times. You need to play a disclaimer before exposing that face on national television. If you drunkenly end up fucking her in the dark, you'd better set an alarm and wake your ass up early to avoid a glimpse of her in the morning. Like one of my boys always says to me "visage de merde."

Haven't seen a new F word in a while, but you should check out some back episodes when you get a chance. Americans only know Gordon Ramsay from Hell's Kitchen and maybe a few episodes of Kitchen Nightmares, typical reality television drivel. Watch the F word and you'll realize how crappy the food shows are in the US. Don't mistakenly watch the L word instead. Not the same. NOT THE SAME.

How could 2009 not be noteworthy, you argue, we got Obama. Obama. Yawn. Don't get me wrong, I think he's been doing a passable job as president, but since I saw him for the first time speaking at the 2004 convention and discovered that he isn't white, I've been over the whole black thing. Harping on the Obamas being black is like harping on how well Colin Powell speaks. Here's an unintentional dig on how significant the president's skin color should be, courtesy of young jeezy: "My president is black, my lambo is blue..."

Obama visited China and the common Chinese folks were disappointed with his trip. When interviewed, they said they were expecting him to be jogging on the streets, playing pickup ball, and doing other mundane things to endear himself to the people. I don't know about you, but Obama comes over and smokes up at least once a week. We shoot the shit for a few hours, play some Wii golf. Fucking idiots.

And quick thought about the Obama runs that everyone in DC's been trying to get invited to. Supposedly, the participants include ex-overseas pros and D1 players. That being the case, what is Obama doing in these games? He played high school ball in Hawaii and is what, 6'1"-6'2"? Plus, he's in sweats. He may be the president, but he brings it to the hole, it's your duty to remind him to get that weak shit out of there.

What's happened to Jay-Z's flow? RZA once stated that Jay was always known in NYC circles for being able to spit fast with clarity. Now, although the enunciation remains, the flow is choppy. And the rhymes are awkward. He's discovered a new vocabulary since becoming rich and he finds it necessary to throw in a word or two here or there to show us that he's aware. You're slipping, Mr. Fierce.

Is the decade ending? I always thought groups of ten run from 1-10, as in 2001-2010. Keep seeing and hearing shit about the best and worst of the decade. People are so desparate for something to validate their lives that they feel compelled to compartmentalize things into bullshit categories so that they can present them to others and forcefully debate them. All these callers to NPR labeling this the worst decade they can remember. Yeah, that's 'cause your ass can't remember when times were really bad. Let's put you back into the '40s and have you be Japanese, German or a European Jew. Try telling one of the survivors about how terrible your decade was.

Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela. Did you hear that he was on the top of a long list? They also auditioned Bill Cosby, Samuel L Jackson, Danny Glover, Sidney Poitier, and --insert black actor with appropriate height here--. If I stood on the street and asked people to guess who was being cast to play Nelson Mandela, I guarantee I'd get Morgan Freeman 100 of 100 guesses. Obviously, originality was not in the thought process. What, you couldn't find a suitable black actor in all of South Africa?

Bone marrow is on everyone's menu nowadays. I had a side of marrow to go with my ribs the other day at Applebee's. Have you tried the marrow waffles at Waffle House? But seriously, I have to question whether people who are ordering marrow actually enjoy eating it. In fact, offal has become so trendy, but I'd guess that most diners are ordering it to act like they're in the know or to fulfill a dare. I won't lie, I ate a lot of offal growing up. Chitlins, pork ears, pork kidneys, pork blood, chicken gizzard (mmmm chicken gizzard), beef tripe, etc. Guarantee you these are not on the list of Stuff White People Like. Well, at least not those type of white folks.

Aren't you proud of Tiger Woods getting his fuck on? If you's a blonde chick gettin' your fuck on tonight, I'll be dat, I'll be dat. Aaron McGruder summed it up perfectly in the Sunday strip of March 2, 2003. "So what do you think, Caesar? What's the secret to happiness?" Huey asks. "White women?" Caesar replies.

When is Sean Kingston going to eat Iyaz for trying to claim his bubble gum Jamaican pop style? Wait 'til Jamie Foxx gets ahold of it.

Another exceptional hook by 50



Kelly Rowland, keeping up the video ho tradition started by Beyonce.



Does this violate some kind of copyright? These are my favorite photos of this year:

"Sasha Fierce. Watch Paris is Burning and ask yourself, 'am I Paris is Burning?'"

It's the end of the year again. What the fuck? Where has all the time gone? I need to write more, my output is pathetic.

New Beyonce album has been out for what, couple months? I love it. Sasha Fierce. It's like Grace Jones, but with bigger testes. And the new metal armware she's been sporting, that shit's gonna be a hit. Available soon at a Wet Seal near you. Go cop that shit.

Beyonce fans once signed an online petition to have her video for "Deja Vu" banned, protesting its "poor editing" and "unacceptable interactions [between Beyonce and Jay-z]" Where are those fans to protest the unacceptable interactions between Beyonce and a microphone? Get your independent ass out of here. Question?

Heard something about some high profile guys getting "Bro-zilians," as in Brazilians for men. Don't want to call anybody out; let's just say two guys whose names rhyme with Tuffy and Gay-z may be involved. Now, there's nothing wrong with cleaning up in the crotchal region. But if their Brazilian is the type I prefer on women, and I'm not talking hairless, then I'm willing to bet that they can only rip silent farts. Grooming your manginas to be more attractive, he-bitches? Beyonce is Sasha Fierce and Jay-z's doing the tuck. Black people, this is your "first couple of hip hop."

T-pain has laid claim to vocoder music and everybody seems to be okay with it. He even has the audacity to ask that other artists pay him royalties for using the style. Don't fucking kid yourself, son. Let me remind you of this little song called "Believe" by Cher, easily the biggest vocoder (vocoder/autotune, all the same to me) hit of all time. Yup, you're biting the style of an icon of gay men everywhere. Certainly appropriate since hip hop vocoder music should really be genred as black emo. Lil Wayne, you may sag your jeans, but they're still the same girly jeans rocked by pete wentz and the jonas brothers. Go ahead, blame it on the promethazine.

Lost is coming back on the air soon. Too bad what once was a promising show has degenerated into high budget shit-in-a-can. I'd like to believe that the writers actually had a full story in mind when they started, but now they're just making things up on the fly. I'm absolutely certain it will end as one big disappointment. Still, I'll watch it and I'll curse.

Eva Mendes and Rosario Dawson, how are these chicks getting starring roles in studio films? When was the last time you saw either one in a movie and thought to yourself, "God damn, this bitch can act?" C'mon, 2 Fast 2 Furious? Men in Black 2? Maybe if it were a dick-sucking contest. Marisa Tomei is sitting at home somewhere with her Oscar saying, "Eva Mendes, what the fuck?!"

Why have we been playing games with these Somalian pirates? They're nothing more than poorly-trained, poorly-equipped terrorists who need to be shown that the last thing they should be doing is fucking with people's money. You fuck with my money, you're fucking with my emotions, man. They've got to be taught what's what, a la the Israelis in Gaza. You think being poor gives you carte blanche to act stupidly. When you go home and find a big ass crater where you expect your house and family to be, don't say you didn't see it coming. If those fools on Whale Wars want a real challenge, maybe they can park their asses off the Somali coast and fight some pirates. How 'bout it, toughguys?



Where the fuck did all the "We are the World," Comic Relief, Live Aid, etc. money go? Last I checked, most of Africa's still fucked up. We're writing blank checks and handing them over without accountability simply for the sake of feeling better about ourselves. Celebrity advocates are fucking idiots. They don't give a shit about Africa. Go live your ass in Africa, then come talk to me. Not as fashionable or attention-getting as adopting an African or hosting a charity event, so what's the point in that?

Obama has no chance. McCain wouldn't have had one either. The only people who can save America is Americans. Too bad we're caught up in worthless conflicts about abortion, gay marriage, etc. Keep spending hundreds of millions of dollars to get out your worthless point of view, meanwhile kids are still out there starving. Yup, pretty sappy. Yup, pretty damn true.

If you haven't been watching Top Gear for the past eleven seasons, you've been missing out on one of the best shows on television. I suggest you download it or watch it on BBC America.

Trends to watch for in Spring '09 include exotic prints, insect designs, and tribal necklaces. I also hear that ugly remains in fashion, so, Spencer, Heidi, and Chelsea Clinton, guess you're safe for another season. Also, big dicks are still in, meaning I'm safe for another season as well.

Spun the dreidle again this year. Here's a permed-out classic for Jesus lovers.



Ran into Jamie Lynn Sigler one weekend in the meatpacking district. Not a bad looking chick. Meadow Soprano, how far you've fallen. Fucking Turtle on screen and in real life. That's some sad shit.



And in honor of the San Diego Superchargers, the only team representing Cali in the playoffs this year:



Sorry, Jay, even Reasonable Doubt can't make me forgive your fondness for acting like a "kid from the Philipines."

There's nothing he heard somewhere else that he's trying to replicate. Instead, it's "I just dreamt up the way this shit should sound."

The bump. The Obamas do it in public. Junior Bush has tried it. Shit, even GHW Bush does it (granted, he uses it in the right circumstances). It’s been written about in such controversial liberal media outlets as Reader’s Digest and Parade magazine. And if you’re not a professional entertainer (ie. athlete, musician, sock puppeteer, etc.), you should just stay the hell away from it. Everybody who regards this as an appropriate greeting or celebratory gesture needs to give it up. You’re embarrassing yourself and your families and, if you happen to be president or running for president, you’re embarrassing your country. It’s disgusting. Even old Southern grandmas are talking shit about you for doing it. SAD.





The guys at Ferrari are whores. Who makes station wagons?





Here’s a typical picture of REI KAWAKUBO who started Commes de Garcon (this is from the CDG x LV collaboration launch). You’ll never find a photo of her where she isn’t giving this joyless, semi-pissed look. Because life is so damn hard when people pay you outrageous sums of money to do something that you love. Please, somebody save her from this miserable existence. Obviously, “molester” uncle didn’t come over enough to make her learn to appreciate things.




Lil Wayne's asshole is blowing up. Baby's got Mon-Thurs. T-pain covers the weekends.

The blokes at Maxim must’ve been smoking the crack-laden horseshit again when they came up with this year’s Hot 100 list. Really, does anybody read Maxim? Its relevance was lost a long time ago, as was the Source’s. Still, sometimes you happen upon some eye candy while flipping through the channels. This time it happened to be the Maxim hot 100 countdown. While there are a few passable choices, they’re unable to make up for all those selections who clearly were repeatedly beaten with the ugly stick. America Ferrera? She wouldn’t get two looks at the swap meet. The Hills’ chicks, fronted by the poster child for ugly, Heidi? Sure, you’re guaranteed head on the first date, but there’s another list for that. Ashley Olson? Jennifer Love Hewitt at #20?! Are you still beating off to those VHS-taped Party of Five re-runs?

When John McCain dies from melanoma, we’ll be living in Bobby’s world full-time. With Bobby’s mom as president, Uncle Ted will be sent to reform Capitol Hill by threatening them all with noogies.


I don't endorse Barack Obama. And I'd probably check off strawberry over chocolate milkshake. Don't take that as a thumbs up for grandpa either. Here's why in spite of the fist bump, Obama is truly a pimp and not just another "thing that white people like." And here's the background on the conversation.


What happened to Maya? She wears a size fo-our.



Mya Feat Silkk The Shocker Movin On Music via Noolmusic.com

Black '80s Night! One Night Only!

Damn it's been a long time. Let me apologize ahead of time for the old shit that I'm going to speak on in this post.

Barack Obama is going to win the Democratic nomination. He's going to be Prez-o-dent. But actually, he's not, since McCain will win.

Read this article the other day about how the recession will be the end of the asshole i-banker, richard meier buildings, etc. It's clear that the author is not in touch with reality. In the real world, the rich keep getting richer, the poor remain stagnant, and the middle class gets fucked up the ass. Luckily, KY is sponsoring.

There's a new movie trailer where someone knocks on the door, the girl asks, "who is it?" and the answer is "you're going to die." Naturally, chaos ensues. Made me think of all those ethnic comedians (and by ethnic, I'm referring to Black and Hispanic as they're the only one's who do comedy) who do these bits where they talk about how members of their race would never get caught in horror movie situations the way White movie characters do. I guess I can maybe skeptically agree with their arguments. But the people who I'm certain would never be a victim of a horror movie scenario are fanatic jihadists. Psycho killer comes knocking at the door and next thing they know, they're dead. If they're lucky, it was an explosion. If they're not, then they've just been beheaded. Would a horror movie be marketable in Iraq? A lone Arab couple goes camping in the desert. Psycho killers and ghouls are staying the fuck away. Wouldn't want to be a Shiite psycho being caught in the wrong Suni area at the wrong time.

PETA protested at the Preakness. Maybe if they were actually the compassionate activists that they claim to be, they'd protest the Burmese junta. Too bad they're worthless cowards like those people at Greenpeace. But who wouldn't argue that human lives are nowhere near as important or cuddly as horses and seals?

This is way late, but for a while I'd been running into females on the street and in the workplace wearing bermuda short suits paired with boots. What the fuck were they thinking? Who approved this vomit-inducing outfit? I'm saddened that I can't erase what my eyes have seen.



Picture that with knee high boots. Ugh.


Black people, welcome to your '80s synth pop dance party.

Usher - Love In This Club feat. Young Jeezy

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They're making Puffy proud.


I'm puzzled as to why Lebron likened Deshawn Stevenson coming at him to Soulja Boy going at Jay-z. Didn't he realize that he was giving Deshawn too much credit. Soulja Boy had a hit record. Deshawn's most famous for getting jumped at a high school basketball game after he was drafted and this:



Here's what 50 Cent and the W have in common:

• MTV
• Music Videos
• MTV Shows
• Entertainment News

I leave you with one last comment. Thinking about Dancing with the Stars and American Idol is giving me tremendous wood. Don't start talking about Oprah and Rachel Ray or I may explode. And if you do a Dr. Phil impersonation, I'll definitely need some new drawers. And pants. And socks.