New Beyonce album has been out for what, couple months? I love it. Sasha Fierce. It's like Grace Jones, but with bigger testes. And the new metal armware she's been sporting, that shit's gonna be a hit. Available soon at a Wet Seal near you. Go cop that shit.
Beyonce fans once signed an online petition to have her video for "Deja Vu" banned, protesting its "poor editing" and "unacceptable interactions [between Beyonce and Jay-z]" Where are those fans to protest the unacceptable interactions between Beyonce and a microphone? Get your independent ass out of here. Question?
Heard something about some high profile guys getting "Bro-zilians," as in Brazilians for men. Don't want to call anybody out; let's just say two guys whose names rhyme with Tuffy and Gay-z may be involved. Now, there's nothing wrong with cleaning up in the crotchal region. But if their Brazilian is the type I prefer on women, and I'm not talking hairless, then I'm willing to bet that they can only rip silent farts. Grooming your manginas to be more attractive, he-bitches? Beyonce is Sasha Fierce and Jay-z's doing the tuck. Black people, this is your "first couple of hip hop."
T-pain has laid claim to vocoder music and everybody seems to be okay with it. He even has the audacity to ask that other artists pay him royalties for using the style. Don't fucking kid yourself, son. Let me remind you of this little song called "Believe" by Cher, easily the biggest vocoder (vocoder/autotune, all the same to me) hit of all time. Yup, you're biting the style of an icon of gay men everywhere. Certainly appropriate since hip hop vocoder music should really be genred as black emo. Lil Wayne, you may sag your jeans, but they're still the same girly jeans rocked by pete wentz and the jonas brothers. Go ahead, blame it on the promethazine.
Lost is coming back on the air soon. Too bad what once was a promising show has degenerated into high budget shit-in-a-can. I'd like to believe that the writers actually had a full story in mind when they started, but now they're just making things up on the fly. I'm absolutely certain it will end as one big disappointment. Still, I'll watch it and I'll curse.
Eva Mendes and Rosario Dawson, how are these chicks getting starring roles in studio films? When was the last time you saw either one in a movie and thought to yourself, "God damn, this bitch can act?" C'mon, 2 Fast 2 Furious? Men in Black 2? Maybe if it were a dick-sucking contest. Marisa Tomei is sitting at home somewhere with her Oscar saying, "Eva Mendes, what the fuck?!"
Why have we been playing games with these Somalian pirates? They're nothing more than poorly-trained, poorly-equipped terrorists who need to be shown that the last thing they should be doing is fucking with people's money. You fuck with my money, you're fucking with my emotions, man. They've got to be taught what's what, a la the Israelis in Gaza. You think being poor gives you carte blanche to act stupidly. When you go home and find a big ass crater where you expect your house and family to be, don't say you didn't see it coming. If those fools on Whale Wars want a real challenge, maybe they can park their asses off the Somali coast and fight some pirates. How 'bout it, toughguys?
Where the fuck did all the "We are the World," Comic Relief, Live Aid, etc. money go? Last I checked, most of Africa's still fucked up. We're writing blank checks and handing them over without accountability simply for the sake of feeling better about ourselves. Celebrity advocates are fucking idiots. They don't give a shit about Africa. Go live your ass in Africa, then come talk to me. Not as fashionable or attention-getting as adopting an African or hosting a charity event, so what's the point in that?
Obama has no chance. McCain wouldn't have had one either. The only people who can save America is Americans. Too bad we're caught up in worthless conflicts about abortion, gay marriage, etc. Keep spending hundreds of millions of dollars to get out your worthless point of view, meanwhile kids are still out there starving. Yup, pretty sappy. Yup, pretty damn true.
If you haven't been watching Top Gear for the past eleven seasons, you've been missing out on one of the best shows on television. I suggest you download it or watch it on BBC America.
Trends to watch for in Spring '09 include exotic prints, insect designs, and tribal necklaces. I also hear that ugly remains in fashion, so, Spencer, Heidi, and Chelsea Clinton, guess you're safe for another season. Also, big dicks are still in, meaning I'm safe for another season as well.
Spun the dreidle again this year. Here's a permed-out classic for Jesus lovers.
Ran into Jamie Lynn Sigler one weekend in the meatpacking district. Not a bad looking chick. Meadow Soprano, how far you've fallen. Fucking Turtle on screen and in real life. That's some sad shit.
And in honor of the San Diego Superchargers, the only team representing Cali in the playoffs this year:
Sorry, Jay, even Reasonable Doubt can't make me forgive your fondness for acting like a "kid from the Philipines."
