Valentine's Eve Dunkoff

I was going to do a mock Bill Simmons time-stamped wrap-up of my dunk contest viewing experience, complete with Sports Guy-isms, but I didn't want to subject you to paragraph after paragraph of "my dick's still hard from watching Rondo sink 3s during H-O-R-S-E" or "just got a tweet from my buddy House. He'll be sending Paul Pierce an extra special sext tonight after that 3-point contest performance. Hope you like whipped cream and chocolate pudding, Paul." The footage that has been floating around of Simmons and his dad yelling "anything is possible!" while getting fisted by KG is the most disturbing thing you'll ever watch. So I hear.

Instead of talking about the dunks, I'll recap the commentary, the real highlights of the contest. Quick comment. Shannon's vertical was by far the most impressive, even though the dunks were pedestrian.

10:30 EST: Barkley, "You ever notice how Gatorade doesn't work for people who suck? Like it works for Peyton Manning or Tiger, but not Leroy."

10:33 EST: Reggie Miller, "These are about the level of dunks we do at the Calabasas rec center."

10:35 EST: Demar Derozan does a nice dunk after his teammate bounces a pass off the side of the backboard. Shannon is up next and he's picked Kobe for the collaboration.

Reggie, "Don't know how this is going to turn out. Kobe's used to passing it to the rim."

10:40 EST: Barkley, "Reggie, you ever run into the Kardashians in Calabasas. They do live out there."

Translation: Reggie, you ever fucked any of the Karadashians? All of them? All at once?

10:45 EST: After Nate brings out the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders but only has them standing around, shaking their pom-poms.

Reggie, "It'd be nice if he incorporated them in some way. Maybe if he jumped over them."

Barkley, "It'd be nice if he was taller than one of them."

10:53 EST: With 51% of the vote, Nate takes it again.

Nate, "I'd like to thank God. Without him, I wouldn't be able to do anything."

God just called me, Nate. He wants you to leave his name out of your mouth. He refuses to endorse your mediocrity.


And, there you have it, another sorry year of all-star saturday. The only way they can regenerate interest is if they heed the words of whoever suggested planting a few million in cash at center court (WSOP-style) and have a winner-takes-all dunkoff. I would consider buying that on PPV.