Professionals use hickory. Amateurs use mesquite.

Got the itch. Really don't want to, but I got to get back on here and write some shit.

2011 can be summed up in one song, the Britney Spears stuttering fan song. Lately, I'd seen her name on the "Who had the best year?" lists and couldn't figure out what she'd done as of late that would qualify her. You want a piece of me? Then, I remembered that the fan song was everywhere. So darn catchy. Although, probably the most memorable piece of music I heard all year was the Houston Astros in a PSA at their ballpark, autotuned to perfection using the track from bedroom intruder, reminding fans to be on their best behavior. Shit, put me on autotunes, guaranteed double platinum.

Jay-Z and Kanye West were supposed to come into town. Then, they flaked. It was funny 'cause local radio station was giving away tickets. People were excited. Concert got canceled. Promotions on the station stopped abruptly, like that minute. And it wasn't so much that they stopped promotions, since why would you continue to run promotions on something that's been canceled. It's that things were shutdown so quickly and thoroughly, you'd swear that shit was just rumor. Life is cold. But I respect the swagger. "What's fifty grand to a motherfucker like me? Can y'all remind me?" That's exacly right. It ain't shit. Which brings me to all those motherfuckers who clearly have Jay-Z mentality but have to front like they humble. You know. Jennifer Lopez. Justin Beiber. Stop it with the twitter messages and the red carpet answers about how you feel so blessed. We don't believe you, you need more people.

Jennifer Lopez. So easy to hate. You're fucking rolling around on a mock-uptown NYC Hollywood backlot in a Fiat500 with one of your songs playing in the background, still singing off key. Shit, how long are you going to keep playing the "I'm real" card. Rick Ross keeps playing the "I'm hustlin'" card, but he's really got nothing else going for him and, he'll likely die within the year. You want to show me some realness, go bark at a board meeting. Have one of your people shank Marc Anthony onstage at an awards show. You want real, motherfucker? That's right!

How old is Katy Perry? Does she have any life experience outside of high school? Or for that matter, outside of the summer after senior year? I give her props for parlaying that into straight cash.

Wiz Khalifa is the new Snoop. That's not what I'm saying, that's what people who write in magazines is saying. Maybe that's what Snoop is saying. I say, go listen to the Chronic. Go listen to Doggystyle. Then remind me what the fuck they saying. Is it taylored, Wiz? Wiz, is it taylored? Tell me again, Wiz, is it taylored? Keep rapping about weed with that five word vocabulary. I foresee longevity in your future. Better hope Amber Rose can keep paying the bills with her modeling work.

Common beefing with Drake over lyrics about Serena Williams? Seriously? No, seriously?

If you ain't been reading the Ghostface Chronicles, you better get on it. Even if it's an impostor, shit's genius. Here's a little example from the Watch the Throne review:



I guess you have to give everyone their little victories or they really have no reason to live. Like people who line up in front of the Apple store for new launches. They, too, need their "nigga, you ain't up on this" moment. Until a day or two later when everyone's copped that shit. Got to keep yourself feeling special though.

Remember a couple years back when Betty White's career made a resurgence after she played a not-dead grandma in that Sandra Bullock movie? I never got that. When are we going to stop crediting old people simply for not being old? Spry old folks. I applaud them, but they're nothing special. The Chapelle show skit where Dave was living with his grandma and she had a friend over who told him to pick up some rubbers (grandma:"the big ones"), yea, that's the real grandma. Not the sanitized grandma everyone pictures in their censored minds.

And cussing toddlers (see will ferrell funny or die landlady sketch for reference). Wow, you taught your kid to cuss. That's so cute. Why don't you go back to your line at the Apple store?

They canceled How To Make It In America. Can't blame them. Season 2 was horrible. Someone told them that they needed more titty on the show and they rolled with it. Lake Bell's body is sick, but bring back season 1. Wasted potential.

Since this post is laden with randomness, let's lead out with some Randolph Childress,




Lara Stone,





and bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce...

Soccer Fans are Ass Clowns

World Cup 2010 version. Watched the much hyped US vs England game the other day, then, watched part of the Germany vs Australia game the next day. Early verdict: Americans and English looked like a bunch a 4-year-olds in leg braces who ride the little bus running around in the park chasing after butterflies. Germans looked like the real deal. Australians looked like they were thinking about Miranda Kerr, running around awkwardly trying to conceal their erections (quick, think about Heath Ledger. Oh no, it's not working).

What I did appreciate was how the (I assume) British announcer on ABC pulled no punches in ridiculing the English goalie for the dropped save. He went so far as to say that such a play would even be considered below the level of a schoolboy. He refused to make any concessions to the American announcer who was insisting that somehow there might have been even the smallest bit of American skill involved. It was neither politically correct nor was it gracious. It was wonderfully refreshing. Tell it like it is. The goal was bullshit. And, aside from the first goal, England played like dogs.

I'm also incredibly happy that FIFA decided not to ban the horns. What makes soccer watchable is the constant ambient nose that is emitted throughout the stadium, whether it be from horns, drums or singing. Personally, I prefer the singing, but really, in the early stages of the tournament, the crowds are shitty at best. Who's singing for Côte d'Ivoire vs Korea DPR? Or Slovakia vs Paraguay? Nobody, unless Kim Jong Il is sending karaoke hookers to the stadium. So let the horns blow.

Here's one of my favorite summertime videos to kick off summer, which officially starts next week.



A 'beater and a Bentley, all you need to get through the summer.

And here's a classic Top Gear clip as a bonus.

Inspiration is for Amateurs

The madness has come and gone. More 5'9" whiteboys throwing up prayers. Did you call glass, motherfucker?

Bourdain recently had a special which included interviews with prominent food bloggers. Common theme with all of them: they're fat, really enjoy eating, and have this thing for taking pictures of food. Surprised? Okay, probably not. But Bourdain, with his ability to perfectly assume the role of confidante/drinking/eating buddy was somehow able to convince most of them to come clean on national television about how they have no game and are substituting food for sex. It got me to thinking that we need to set Bourdain up with some of the guys over at espn. I'll name names. Joe Lunardi, Eric Berry, Mel Kiper, jr, Mel Kiper's younger best friend-who-covers-the-draft-but-whose-name-escapes-me, etc. These are all guys in need of some late night drinking and yakitori therapy. Your mothers have been calling. They wish you could be out getting pussy instead of wasting your time talking bracketology or keeper league drafts. "Want to come take a look at the changes i've made to my big board?" Not really a line that makes the panties drop, huh, Mel? Not unless your audience is a bunch of roofied co-eds.

Half Baked was on tv again the other day. I've only seen highlights of the Marbury reality show from a year or two back, but i'd swear he lifted all his material from sir smoke-a-lot. Go watch that scene again where Thurgood sells weed to smoke-a-lot. He does everything short of eating vaseline. Say it ain't so, Starbury. I trusted you. Now, I know it was all a lie.

In honor of another shitty tournament, here are my brackets for your viewing pleasure. I still owe money for one of my pools.




Marion Cotillard vs Miranda Kerr vs Emmanuelle Chriqui. I'll take all three. But rather than being indecisive, and because somebody circled a choice for me and wrote in "winner," Marion it is. Vive la France.



What I do find rather disturbing is that with the right makeup, under the right lighting, viewed at the correct angle, and after you've got enough alcohol on board, Jwoww from Jersey Shore can be briefly mistaken for Emmanuelle Chriqui.



No music video this time, just a random video of James Brown demonstrating some dances. A little spastic, but Goddamn, motherfucker can move.




And a photo of James Brown and Al Sharpton, aka the original pussy posse, just 'cause i dig the style.



Hope you had a good Easters and avoided the diarrheas.

Valentine's Eve Dunkoff

I was going to do a mock Bill Simmons time-stamped wrap-up of my dunk contest viewing experience, complete with Sports Guy-isms, but I didn't want to subject you to paragraph after paragraph of "my dick's still hard from watching Rondo sink 3s during H-O-R-S-E" or "just got a tweet from my buddy House. He'll be sending Paul Pierce an extra special sext tonight after that 3-point contest performance. Hope you like whipped cream and chocolate pudding, Paul." The footage that has been floating around of Simmons and his dad yelling "anything is possible!" while getting fisted by KG is the most disturbing thing you'll ever watch. So I hear.

Instead of talking about the dunks, I'll recap the commentary, the real highlights of the contest. Quick comment. Shannon's vertical was by far the most impressive, even though the dunks were pedestrian.

10:30 EST: Barkley, "You ever notice how Gatorade doesn't work for people who suck? Like it works for Peyton Manning or Tiger, but not Leroy."

10:33 EST: Reggie Miller, "These are about the level of dunks we do at the Calabasas rec center."

10:35 EST: Demar Derozan does a nice dunk after his teammate bounces a pass off the side of the backboard. Shannon is up next and he's picked Kobe for the collaboration.

Reggie, "Don't know how this is going to turn out. Kobe's used to passing it to the rim."

10:40 EST: Barkley, "Reggie, you ever run into the Kardashians in Calabasas. They do live out there."

Translation: Reggie, you ever fucked any of the Karadashians? All of them? All at once?

10:45 EST: After Nate brings out the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders but only has them standing around, shaking their pom-poms.

Reggie, "It'd be nice if he incorporated them in some way. Maybe if he jumped over them."

Barkley, "It'd be nice if he was taller than one of them."

10:53 EST: With 51% of the vote, Nate takes it again.

Nate, "I'd like to thank God. Without him, I wouldn't be able to do anything."

God just called me, Nate. He wants you to leave his name out of your mouth. He refuses to endorse your mediocrity.


And, there you have it, another sorry year of all-star saturday. The only way they can regenerate interest is if they heed the words of whoever suggested planting a few million in cash at center court (WSOP-style) and have a winner-takes-all dunkoff. I would consider buying that on PPV.

Good Times at the Regal Beagle

Grammy edition. Here we go.

Have rap artists not figured out nobody gives a fuck that they're into Scarface? Stop posturing. Show me the hard evidence of when you were a Cuban refugee who found himself on the wrong end of a drug deal and watched your friend Angel Fernandez get killed. Otherwise, shut the fuck up already. That includes you, Lil Wayne. It's gay enough you're putting out more autotune shit and passing it off as a rock album. Guitars = rock album as much as guitars = Coby Calet. But to release a sorry interpretation of "She's on Fire" as your first single. That officially buys your two kids that were born this year by different baby mamas beatdowns through their elementary school years. Tough enough that they've got to go through life looking like your ugly martian ass.

Kesha announced the prize for this week's Weekend Edition Sunday Puzzle. She was coherent, enunciated, and sounded like, well, a person you would believe listens to Liane Hansen and Will Shortz on Sunday mornings. It was in sharp contrast to her singing persona, where she sounds like the MTV VJ winner Jessie and looks like a cracked-out Joan Osbourne (who looks cracked-out herself). I find her music just as annoyingly catchy as the next person, but I can't slam her for parlaying an ability to combine tested elements of pop music into some form of success. Does she deserve more hate than Britney Spears? Susan Boyle? Madonna? Can you name a female artist out there moving units who hasn't had a precisely calculated career? Sure, Rhianna got involved in some late-night tussling and Britney Spears did the pants-off dance-off for a couple years; On occasion, emotions will fuck with the plans. Does Kesha have any staying power? Not a chance. Embellishing your name with dollar signs only makes it that much harder. Ma$e went looking for God to help him keep his swag. No luck.

Serena Williams took the Australian Open again. Serena Williams also does ads for Tampax. The marketing guys at P&G must be on crack if they want anyone, especially women, to believe that Serena uses tampons. It's not that Serena is one of those female superathletes who's lost their cycle. It's not that Serena is a man masquerading as a female, although, I know you were thinking that. Fact is, Serena is a hippopotamus masquerading as a human being. Here's the proof.



I've met Common before. Common is a grown-ass man. Here he looks like a little kid on the Jungle Boat Cruise at Disneyland waiting for the captain to pop off some blanks at the hippo climbing out of the water. How did I end up walking down the beach with an armoire?

I was prompted to watch the Chris Breezy wedding procession the other day. I had watched the Office parody before, but never the actual footage. My conclusion: these guys are having a real hard time letting go of drama club. And the number of views further affirms that White people really like random choreographed dancing while wearing sunglasses. See Tom Cruise in Risky Business for reference.

Is there a reason why Camila Alves replaced Jaclyn Smith as host of Shear Genius? It's like having Katie Lee Joel/Padma host Top Chef. You're not imparted credibility simply because you are fucking/were fucking someone famous. Unless, that someone is the President. Then, suddenly you're a fashion icon.

GQ has a brief Miranda Kerr spread this month. She's also in this year's Pirelli calendar.



Has the nipple quotient on this site been rising too fast?

Here's some Corinne Bailey Rae to chill you out.

Looks Like Another Love TKO

Goddamn, Megan Fox is looking fine in the Armani ads. I have absolutely no problem with them digitally removing her tats. Her body art is terrible. As is Angelina Jolie's. Why the fuck must these chicks defile their God-given talents with such poor graffiti? If you're going to get a tattoo, either do it right or not at all. I won't claim to be any authority on taste, but I know ugly when I see it.







Seen those Windows 7 commercials where "ordinary" people claim to have had epiphanies that led to the creation of the new operating system? The one's I've seen include re-enacted flashbacks which substitute model-types in place of the far-from-model-type narrators. Put me in charge of the ad campaign, I'm twisting it up. The lookers would be the narrators and the uglies would perform in the re-enactments. It'd be controversial and socially unacceptable. It's perfectly fine to elicit laughs by having a doughboy represent himself in his thoughts as being ripped, but flip it around and we're venturing into insensitive territory. Why can't a hotty picture themselves busted? Windows 7 advertisers, you can make it happen. Get yourselves some edge that Apple can't claim to have.

Zoe Saldana been getting a lot of press lately. It's about fucking time. Too bad I have no idea what the current fuss is all about. Heard she was hot in Star Trek. Watched Star Trek. What'd she have like five lines in the whole movie? Haven't seen Avatar, but given that she voice-overs a cartoon character in a made-up dialect, I'd doubt any of her skills or assets are on display. So why all of a sudden are people all high on her? I'm guessing they rented Drumline or caught it on TNT. Who can resist the snares? I know I can't. Give them some Flight of the Bumblee Bee.




Those Vanity Fair pics of Tiger Woods. You think Annie Lebowitz was behind the lens shouting at him that she wanted tickets to the gun show? Felt like a scene straight out of Chappelle Show's "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong." It's not a fucking game. Bark! Bark! WuTang!

Watched the Hangover. It was aight. Todd Phillips again came with his true colors and gave us the fratboy hip hop soundtrack. And in case it wasn't already obvious that Black people love Phil Collins, they brought in Mike Tyson to re-affirm that Black people love Phil Collins. Personally, I would've gone with Sussudio or One More Night. Big Boi from Outkast will tell you about how he made his babies to One More Night.



RIP Teddy Pendergrass

HEY YOU! LIP MY STOCKINGS! LIP THEM!!

The experiment begins for a post-heavy 2010. Keep your fingers crossed that this doesn't turn into an exercise in redundancy. Not that it hasn't already.

I'm not going to compare Harry Reid to Trent Lott, but are we really supposed to give him a pass on this. Obama and his band of Black politicians, who were long ago castrated to assimilate to White political society, have decided to let it slide. Everyone else has no excuse. It's been so many years since Chris Rock first made mainstream the fact that White people are always impressed by well-spoken Blacks and will essentially perseverate about their ability to command basic vocabulary and grammar. "Wow, did you hear that, Jill? He matched his noun with the correct verb. He's so well-spoken." Why are White people still perpetuating this stereotype? Did they not get the weekly White memo? Spin it as you may, but "Negro dialect" is not an acceptable well-crafted description used by an astute observer. It's derogatory. Of course, I voted for Obama 'cause he wasn't coming at me with that jive talk. Remember the Black guys in Airplane who only spoke the jive talk? Harry Reid wishes there were subtitles available when Black people speak.

Pacquiao and Mayweather will fight. Guaranteed. Really, Manny, you can't give up some blood to make yourself a $25M+ payday. Listen to your Aunt, the nurse, who's been calling you a fucking idiot for not signing up. You're 5'6" and a buck nothing. You could be out chasing chickens for the fryer. Figure it out, buddy. And open the lights while you're up, son. I'm going to give Mayweather a pass because he's scared. Scared people do stupid shit. And really, the handlers are not to blame. You know that Bob Arum wants to get it done, even if it means he'll have to pull some FX-style special effects shit and resurrect one of Pacquiao's relatives from the grave to convince Pacquiao. Don't get caught up on the whole Arum-Mayweather hate angle. Arum is still a Jew. Try showing your face at temple if you botch this one.

Fox News made $700M in operating profit last year. Hate as you will, but Republicans are out there printing money. Don't believe the celebrity hype. Oprah hangs with the Obamas, but votes Republican. Bono would vote Republican if he lived in the US as well. Instead, he's got permanent residence in Monte Carlo. Preach all they want, but these folks are tax-evading money grubbers just like all the rest of us. On a side note, I've always found it hilarious how much of an Obama brownnoser Oprah is. I imagine her taking on the Will Arnett 30 Rock role, gossiping with Sasha and Malia about schoolboys to get in the good graces of the parents. Meanwhile, Stedman's parked at the titty bar, FLOODING IT UP. More champagne, Mr. 4 tay?