Good Times at the Regal Beagle

Grammy edition. Here we go.

Have rap artists not figured out nobody gives a fuck that they're into Scarface? Stop posturing. Show me the hard evidence of when you were a Cuban refugee who found himself on the wrong end of a drug deal and watched your friend Angel Fernandez get killed. Otherwise, shut the fuck up already. That includes you, Lil Wayne. It's gay enough you're putting out more autotune shit and passing it off as a rock album. Guitars = rock album as much as guitars = Coby Calet. But to release a sorry interpretation of "She's on Fire" as your first single. That officially buys your two kids that were born this year by different baby mamas beatdowns through their elementary school years. Tough enough that they've got to go through life looking like your ugly martian ass.

Kesha announced the prize for this week's Weekend Edition Sunday Puzzle. She was coherent, enunciated, and sounded like, well, a person you would believe listens to Liane Hansen and Will Shortz on Sunday mornings. It was in sharp contrast to her singing persona, where she sounds like the MTV VJ winner Jessie and looks like a cracked-out Joan Osbourne (who looks cracked-out herself). I find her music just as annoyingly catchy as the next person, but I can't slam her for parlaying an ability to combine tested elements of pop music into some form of success. Does she deserve more hate than Britney Spears? Susan Boyle? Madonna? Can you name a female artist out there moving units who hasn't had a precisely calculated career? Sure, Rhianna got involved in some late-night tussling and Britney Spears did the pants-off dance-off for a couple years; On occasion, emotions will fuck with the plans. Does Kesha have any staying power? Not a chance. Embellishing your name with dollar signs only makes it that much harder. Ma$e went looking for God to help him keep his swag. No luck.

Serena Williams took the Australian Open again. Serena Williams also does ads for Tampax. The marketing guys at P&G must be on crack if they want anyone, especially women, to believe that Serena uses tampons. It's not that Serena is one of those female superathletes who's lost their cycle. It's not that Serena is a man masquerading as a female, although, I know you were thinking that. Fact is, Serena is a hippopotamus masquerading as a human being. Here's the proof.



I've met Common before. Common is a grown-ass man. Here he looks like a little kid on the Jungle Boat Cruise at Disneyland waiting for the captain to pop off some blanks at the hippo climbing out of the water. How did I end up walking down the beach with an armoire?

I was prompted to watch the Chris Breezy wedding procession the other day. I had watched the Office parody before, but never the actual footage. My conclusion: these guys are having a real hard time letting go of drama club. And the number of views further affirms that White people really like random choreographed dancing while wearing sunglasses. See Tom Cruise in Risky Business for reference.

Is there a reason why Camila Alves replaced Jaclyn Smith as host of Shear Genius? It's like having Katie Lee Joel/Padma host Top Chef. You're not imparted credibility simply because you are fucking/were fucking someone famous. Unless, that someone is the President. Then, suddenly you're a fashion icon.

GQ has a brief Miranda Kerr spread this month. She's also in this year's Pirelli calendar.



Has the nipple quotient on this site been rising too fast?

Here's some Corinne Bailey Rae to chill you out.

Looks Like Another Love TKO

Goddamn, Megan Fox is looking fine in the Armani ads. I have absolutely no problem with them digitally removing her tats. Her body art is terrible. As is Angelina Jolie's. Why the fuck must these chicks defile their God-given talents with such poor graffiti? If you're going to get a tattoo, either do it right or not at all. I won't claim to be any authority on taste, but I know ugly when I see it.







Seen those Windows 7 commercials where "ordinary" people claim to have had epiphanies that led to the creation of the new operating system? The one's I've seen include re-enacted flashbacks which substitute model-types in place of the far-from-model-type narrators. Put me in charge of the ad campaign, I'm twisting it up. The lookers would be the narrators and the uglies would perform in the re-enactments. It'd be controversial and socially unacceptable. It's perfectly fine to elicit laughs by having a doughboy represent himself in his thoughts as being ripped, but flip it around and we're venturing into insensitive territory. Why can't a hotty picture themselves busted? Windows 7 advertisers, you can make it happen. Get yourselves some edge that Apple can't claim to have.

Zoe Saldana been getting a lot of press lately. It's about fucking time. Too bad I have no idea what the current fuss is all about. Heard she was hot in Star Trek. Watched Star Trek. What'd she have like five lines in the whole movie? Haven't seen Avatar, but given that she voice-overs a cartoon character in a made-up dialect, I'd doubt any of her skills or assets are on display. So why all of a sudden are people all high on her? I'm guessing they rented Drumline or caught it on TNT. Who can resist the snares? I know I can't. Give them some Flight of the Bumblee Bee.




Those Vanity Fair pics of Tiger Woods. You think Annie Lebowitz was behind the lens shouting at him that she wanted tickets to the gun show? Felt like a scene straight out of Chappelle Show's "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong." It's not a fucking game. Bark! Bark! WuTang!

Watched the Hangover. It was aight. Todd Phillips again came with his true colors and gave us the fratboy hip hop soundtrack. And in case it wasn't already obvious that Black people love Phil Collins, they brought in Mike Tyson to re-affirm that Black people love Phil Collins. Personally, I would've gone with Sussudio or One More Night. Big Boi from Outkast will tell you about how he made his babies to One More Night.



RIP Teddy Pendergrass

HEY YOU! LIP MY STOCKINGS! LIP THEM!!

The experiment begins for a post-heavy 2010. Keep your fingers crossed that this doesn't turn into an exercise in redundancy. Not that it hasn't already.

I'm not going to compare Harry Reid to Trent Lott, but are we really supposed to give him a pass on this. Obama and his band of Black politicians, who were long ago castrated to assimilate to White political society, have decided to let it slide. Everyone else has no excuse. It's been so many years since Chris Rock first made mainstream the fact that White people are always impressed by well-spoken Blacks and will essentially perseverate about their ability to command basic vocabulary and grammar. "Wow, did you hear that, Jill? He matched his noun with the correct verb. He's so well-spoken." Why are White people still perpetuating this stereotype? Did they not get the weekly White memo? Spin it as you may, but "Negro dialect" is not an acceptable well-crafted description used by an astute observer. It's derogatory. Of course, I voted for Obama 'cause he wasn't coming at me with that jive talk. Remember the Black guys in Airplane who only spoke the jive talk? Harry Reid wishes there were subtitles available when Black people speak.

Pacquiao and Mayweather will fight. Guaranteed. Really, Manny, you can't give up some blood to make yourself a $25M+ payday. Listen to your Aunt, the nurse, who's been calling you a fucking idiot for not signing up. You're 5'6" and a buck nothing. You could be out chasing chickens for the fryer. Figure it out, buddy. And open the lights while you're up, son. I'm going to give Mayweather a pass because he's scared. Scared people do stupid shit. And really, the handlers are not to blame. You know that Bob Arum wants to get it done, even if it means he'll have to pull some FX-style special effects shit and resurrect one of Pacquiao's relatives from the grave to convince Pacquiao. Don't get caught up on the whole Arum-Mayweather hate angle. Arum is still a Jew. Try showing your face at temple if you botch this one.

Fox News made $700M in operating profit last year. Hate as you will, but Republicans are out there printing money. Don't believe the celebrity hype. Oprah hangs with the Obamas, but votes Republican. Bono would vote Republican if he lived in the US as well. Instead, he's got permanent residence in Monte Carlo. Preach all they want, but these folks are tax-evading money grubbers just like all the rest of us. On a side note, I've always found it hilarious how much of an Obama brownnoser Oprah is. I imagine her taking on the Will Arnett 30 Rock role, gossiping with Sasha and Malia about schoolboys to get in the good graces of the parents. Meanwhile, Stedman's parked at the titty bar, FLOODING IT UP. More champagne, Mr. 4 tay?