Something Haute For Your Asses

I'm shocked by the willingness of diners to pay premium prices for dressed-up comfort food. Throw out the slick interiors, the fancy dishware, and the designer uniforms and the food is no better than the corner greasy spoon or mom's home cooking. $15 ramen? Are you for real, son? And am I supposed to be impressed by a menu that lists off ingredients, ingredient suppliers, obscure techniques, etc? There was a time when haute interpretations of mac n' cheese were campy cool. Now, it's just a tired idea that shows up at F-list celebrity wedding receptions and bar mitzvahs in the valley. As consumers, we should demand more than just re-incarnations of the same old money shot.

$100M. That's clearly the threshold amount needed to guarantee you'll stay rich no matter what the fuck you do. Somehow, Britney Spears is worth roughly $100M and the money machine just keeps churning in spite of her best attempts to sabotage herself. Hammer should've tried harder to reach the magic number. Unfortunately, he blew all his money employing all of black Oakland. If he'd been a star today, he could've run for president. Should've blown it all on PCP instead.

People have to quit describing shit as being "fierce." Only two things in this world are fierce, wild carnivorous animals and my dick in your ass. Additionally, we've got to outlaw euphemisms for vagina. Speak like adults and not like 5-year-olds, bitches. There are only two acceptable alternatives for vagina: cunt and pussy (aka pootang). And, maybe I'll accept hoo-ha if you insist upon it.

Did you catch what people wore at the grammy's? Metrosexual rap is in full effect. Here's a few that rep the genre.

KIA SHINE





Wow, to be a metro black rapper.

LUPE FIASCO





TABI BONNEY





Peep the pink pants and pink moped.

PHARRELL/KANYE WEST



Did I remember to make an appointment for my waxing, mani- and pedi-?


It's perplexing how people eat up Wyclef Jean's rehashed beats and lyrics from recent hits. Saw him on tv the other day talking 'bout "hips don't lie" and how he came up with the track, acting like Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz hadn't used those same horns a few years ago. And this new song that uses the hook from C.R.E.A.M. It's true, you can sell anything to pop music audiences.

Don't download pictures of the Hong Kong sex scandal unless you're nostalgic for '80s porn. Head shots and jungle bush. What's with the stuffed animals? Are we in junior high? At least it's confirmed; Chinese starlets suck balls. [INSERT LOUD EMPHATIC APPLAUSE HERE]

Holiday Picture Whoredom

How do you like them apples with your DREIDEL, Grant Hill?

And, of course, the video. Do you remember this happening at UCLA?



And the classic.



Why are the Suns such willing participants? What are you doing, Steve, grabbing for some nuts to go with your DREIDEL?

If you listen to the initial cheering, the Phoenix fans are obviously on some Kobe nuts.



And one of my favorite pictures of all time. David Stern did a brilliant makeover with the MVP hardware.

Yeah Yeah... I Might Get Stabbed

I've gone black. And as the saying goes, "Once you go black, you might get stabbed." I'll take my chances. The white was boring me and playing basketball wasn't providing much relief. These templates are pretty pathetic. Every offering that I've seen on the internet has been based on something sentimentally hideous, such as kittens, celebrities or hot dog sandwiches. Of course, posting one's thoughts online isn't exactly art. And I'm no artist.

It's Christmas week. My dradel broke. So, I wrapped it up and stuck it under someone else's tree. I'm full of Christ love. I know what I want for the big 2-5 this year. Knowledge. I need more and it seems that I'm always behind. Damn the burden of being a human being.

I usually don't speak on politics, but the "Fair Tax" proposal is one of the craziest ideas i've ever seen on any legitimate presidential candidate's platform. I know I'd be embarrassed to back something that has an even smaller chance of happening than a black or woman president, neither of which will be happening anytime soon. I'm not saying I wouldn't want any of these things to happen. I just know they won't.

Now, for more clips. I don't find YouTube entertaining, but I appreciate that they host clips of what I'm looking for.



Not subtle. Not particularly original. Funny, nonetheless.

Best line:
"My place is usually tidier than this."



Sorry for the pixelation, but peep the leg kicks, fat chicks, and BOUNCE!


Yes, more fat people. Stab them all and that's a tanker full of gravy.



You little shits, I got money stacks bigger than you. But you can't hate on the beats. Like with Quiet Storm. Funny thing is, they were much more compelling at 19 than they've ever been since. And for those who've only been exposed to rap music through Eminem and 8 Mile, get your learn in. Watch it again if you missed it, whiteboy makes sure he gets a shout out in: "Cuz ain't no such thing as halfway crooks..."

Young Halle Told Me To Make Her Feel Good... So, I Gave Her The Monster Balls

I missed the whole month of November. Thirty days. No posts. Guess I better get on it.

At work once again. Wasting time once again. Recurring theme.

Yes, it's been said before, but that 50 Cent is so well-spoken. He's the ghetto Colin Powell. Sure, he gives you nothing but formulaic bubble gum hip hop, but who wouldn't dumb it down for the audience if it gets you paid? Watch any interview or special, it's obvious that this is a thoughtful man. Makes you wonder why he insists on beefing with everyone. Must be a marketing tactic.

I'm tired of pregnant women getting undressed and having their picture taken. And it's not as if it were ever a fresh idea. Plus, if you're going to make a big deal about a pregnant celebrity posing in the NUDE, then she better be giving me more poses than the usual titty holding/crotch covering. Drop down and get your eagle on, girl.

December 1st. I'm counting down to spinning the dradle.

Who You Fucking, O.J.?

Okay, so maybe the prolific talk was a bit premature. I'm trying my best to re-arrange the fifty words and provide readers with "new" content.

I was sitting at the terminal in LaGuardia on Sunday, forced to listen to one of those ubiquitous airport flatscreens that continously run CNN Headline news. What's breaking news at 8 am EST? Dumbledore is Gay. And even more compelling news, the majority of people who answered the "are you surprised" poll voted for no, something like 56% to 44%. I've never read any of the books, only caught the movies, so maybe they're filled with double-entendres that give you insight about Dumbledore getting sucked-off on the side. Guess I probably should have saw it coming, what with the velour robes and the transforming into a phoenix; he was clearly shouting flamer. Luckily, Rowling didn't simply drop the news without going into more details. Apparently, the man had sexual tension with another wizard. Got me thinking, there's an exact parallel in real life: professional sports. You don't want to picture two wizards giving each other the Brokeback reach around just like you don't want to visualize two O-line guys going backdoor with Sade's "Ordinary Love" bumping in the background. But it happens/-ed and we need to talk about it. You can e-mail Rowling for her Harry Potter series XXX author's cut edition at harrypotteralternafuck@nodogfighting.com.

But we've got to move on from this old news.

James Lipton was once a French pimp. No bullshit. He's got that quiet, deliberate speech, but his backhand is a mother... He quit 'cause he got tired of dealing with all that pubic hair. Thank God for the Brazilian.

Props to Bobby Jindal for infiltrating the white man's world. Katrina was a bitch, but for an Indian guy to get the Southerner's vote is pretty incredible. Of course, I know nothing of the details of the race, so, it could've been a fluke. But I'll give the man and his handlers their due. He should be aware that if he fucks it up, no Asian person will ever be elected for anything ever again.

I like the look of Common's new video. It's got that dreamy cinematography, muted colors, and everybody's styling. A far cry from the endless stream of grimy ghetto-ass hip hop videos that we're constantly bombarded with. Yeah, the content is nothing to rave about and Kerry Washington isn't Halle Berry, but you'd hit that for a dollar.



While I do like watching dubbed-out Cutlasses and trucks with thick women in stripper gear hanging out the windows weaving down a random street in the hood, it's definitely a tired formula. And enough with the dance song videos. Its not gangsta to model yourself after the "Cha Cha Slide." Come on homey, peep the Roots' "What they Do" video. Yes, it's definitely more applicable to East Coast than dirty South, but sooner or later, you're just parodying yourself.



One day, the video links will no longer be supported and my posts will look like shit with error messages strewn about. But sometimes, I've got to show people what I'm talking about. Plus, I promise I'll never post anything that's not worth watching.

And for DJ Khaled, Jermaine Dupri, Lil John, and Puffy:

Y'all know what this is. I'm the best. Eh-eh, eh-eh. Okay. Listen.

You can call me the ad lib monster.

'Til next time... Go fuck yourself, San Diego wildfires.

Call Me Mr. Prolific

That's two days in-a-row of writing. Could there be some direct correlation with my being at work for two days in-a-row? No way.

It's Sunday morning, how about some sports? Cal. What the fuck? Homeboy's been playing too much Madden, started to believe that he could turn the corner like Vince Young. Alas, just another slow white guy. He definitely went home and cried himself to sleep last night. Fans spit on him, teammates had to be restrained from him, his girl dumped him and told him she'd been fucking his best friend... that's life. Lessons to be learned from this: #1 Don't think that your Madden glory translates to shit in real life. #2 Don't model yourself after loser athletes who cry after every disappointment. To take a line from Gordon Ramsay, "Grow some fucking bollocks." What, do you need mommy to offer up a tit for you to suck on?

On a random note, I love the Brits on TV. They're really some of the smoothest motherfuckers you'll see. Talk shit about you in your interview and do it with a smile. Make you start believing the shit they're saying about you. Check this clip out where they interview Nigo from BAPE. Two words, "lonely otaku." The pantomime is gangster.

Re-release Party

I started this thing, was going to tell people about it, and start writing. But instead, nothing.

Here it is, the re-release of the original non-release. I'm repackaging it with a new cover and a hot new intro so that the zero who copped the first edition will be forced to give in to this one as well.

Why do this? 'Cause I'm attention-starved and need to make sure that my words are available to be in everyone's face at all times. Is that the truth? No. I'm at work. I'm making sure that my salary dollars go towards nothing productive.

I can't promise anything that hasn't been done before. In fact, I can guarantee that most of what shows up here will not be eloquent, will be redundant, and will not be relevant to my life or pretty much anyone else's. In case you were wondering, I do read other people's sites. And I will shamelessly steal their ideas and post them up here. I'm like the Japanese. I'll probably do your shit better than you.

Konichiwa, Bitches.

I'm blogging. Updates will happen often, occasionally, or not-at-all. Is the world ready for the verbal onslaught that is my 50-word vocabulary?